Punch Lines

Who, Me?: A Maryland grand jury will investigate whether Linda Tripp broke state law by recording Monica Lewinsky’s conversations without her knowledge. Tripp is claiming she didn’t know it was illegal. “Ignorance is bliss. It’s not a defense.” (The Daily Scoop)

Screeching Back: Yoko Ono and Julian Lennon are in a war of words over the marketing of John Lennon’s artwork. “She should stick to words, because she would badly lose a battle of the bands.” (Gary Easley)

Please See TV! For the first time, basic cable channels have drawn more viewers, higher ratings and higher audience shares then the four major TV networks. “Why see reruns of new shows on the networks when you can watch reruns of great shows on Nickelodeon?” (Premiere Radio)

Labor and Birth: A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine says it doesn’t harm women to walk around while they are in labor. “Great! That means she can do some light housework, like replacing those loose shingles, before heading off to the hospital.” (Jerry Perisho)

Simply Stunning: For the first time in an L.A. court, a boisterous defendant was zapped with a controversial 50,000-volt stun belt he had been ordered to wear. “Well, you know Hillary Clinton always says, ‘A defendant’s stun device, a president’s chastity belt.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Blockbuster Fanfare: “How many people have seen ‘Armageddon’? Is it the noisiest movie? It was so loud, I couldn’t hear my beeper going off, I could barely talk on my cell phone and I couldn’t hear the conversations around me.” (Jay Leno)

Matchbox Motors: General Motors announced it’s planning to drop some of its slower-selling models, like the Geo Metro. “This is a huge mistake. We’ve got ours set up to cut grass. You’ve got the optional bag attachment on the back. Sure, it breaks down, but the kids love it.” (Leno)

‘Cat’s’ Meow: Madonna will make her London stage debut in Tennessee Williams’ “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” next summer. “It will be a faithful rendition of the play, save one thing. The title will be changed to ‘Cat in a Hot Tin Bra.’ ” (Bill Williams)

Infinite Decisions: Mikail Markhasev was found guilty of murdering Ennis Cosby. The jury deliberated less than six hours. “Or as the Simpson jury would call that, ‘an eternity.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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