Punch Lines

Patriot Games: “A poll shows that the majority of Americans celebrated the Fourth of July watching bursts of multicolored lights explode with a deafening roar across the night sky. It happens every year when Dad fires up the barbecue.” (Bob Mills)

The Max Factor: The latest AAA poll shows that 58% of American drivers speed, change lanes excessively and run red lights. “And these are just the women who drive while applying makeup.” (Earl Hochman)

Curtains: Shanghai won’t allow its opera company to perform “The Peony Pavilion” in New York. “A spokesman from the Shanghai Bureau of Culture blames the cancellation on professional jealously by Americans or, as he put it, ‘Peony envy.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

Famous Faces: This fall, you’ll be able to buy your own copy of the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. “The film has been digitally enhanced, superimposing Leonardo DiCaprio into the picture to pump up sales.” (Andy Waits)

The Big Trim: The oldest college football bowl game will now have a corporate sponsor, and be called “The Rose Bowl, Presented by AT&T.;” “College football fans are hoping that the Sugar Bowl won’t be sponsored by Jenny Craig.” (Paul Ecker)

Hey, Jane . . . : CNN and Time have retracted their story claiming the U.S. used nerve gas on defectors during the Vietnam War. “CNN didn’t get any clear confirmation of the story? Why didn’t Ted Turner just ask his wife? She was there.” (Albert Perotta)

Strike One: “I guess the Dodgers fired three more assistant coaches. Look at all the firings and the trades. The only thing that’s been around Dodger Stadium longer than five years has been the Dodger Dogs.” (Jay Leno)

Strike Two: “For the first time in 25 years, major league baseball took a day off with no team in action. With no game, Dodger fans left work early.” (Ecker)

War of the Roses: The marriage of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis is kaput. “Friends say the divorce will be amicable. She’ll get the house, the cars, the yacht and the summer home, and he’ll take the lifetime Planet Hollywood parking pass.” (Mills)

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