Argentina a Bad Act to Follow

PARIS —  All the World Cup’s a stage, and if Argentina is no longer in the running for the golden globe that is soccer’s greatest prize, its captain has already laid claim to Best Actor, no vote required.

The versatile Diego Simeone, accomplished defensive midfielder and thespian, nearly stole a spot in the World Cup semifinals for Argentina by hamming up two minor fouls into hysterical red-card rulings against second-round and quarterfinal opponents England and Holland.

Tuesday in Saint-Etienne, Simeone was the one who steamrollered the back of England midfielder David Beckham, who retaliated with a petulant flick of the leg--sending Simeone into the throes of apparent unbearable anguish. Gullible referee Kim Nielsen, watching Simeone writhe and roll on the grass, figured Beckham must have done something really, really bad and tossed the English player out of the game.

Down a man for the next 73 minutes, England eventually succumbed to Argentina in a penalty shootout.

Saturday, Simeone took his traveling one-man vaudeville act to Marseille, where he suckered another referee, Arturo Brizio Carter of Mexico, into dishing another red card to Dutch midfielder Arthur Numan in the 77th minute of a 1-1 match.

Numan’s heinous offense?

Brushing Simeone with his leg while contending for a loose ball at midfield.

Numan couldn’t have closed the refrigerator door with that hip check, but Simeone hit the deck as if struck by a sniper’s bullet. More writhing. More rolling. Out came Carter’s yellow card, which caused Numan, somewhat justifiably, to go ballistic.

Carter bumped Numan up to a red card for dissent and, just as England had done four days earlier, Holland appeared headed for a descent.

This collection of World Cup referees must not catch many Inter Milan games on international cable. Italy goalkeeper Gianluca Pagliuca is a teammate of Simeone’s at Inter and when he first saw the Beckham caper, he recognized the routine as all too familiar.

“I know Simeone well,” Pagliuca says, “and he was play-acting.”

Maradona, working as a color commentator of Argentina TV, loved it, however.

“Oh what a sly one!” Maradona chortled on the air. “He let him come to him as if he was going to give him a box of chocolates--then wham! That’s the second player he has got sent off!”

That’s Maradona, introduced in one otherwise straight-forward French wire report Saturday as “football’s most famous cheat”--a reference to his notorious “Hand of God” goal against England in 1986.

Earlier this week, Maradona went on record saying that if he had to do it all over again, of course he would have punched the ball into the net past English goalie Peter Shilton, as he did 12 years earlier, and damn the critical fallout.

Maradona called the “Hand of God” chicanery “astute”--a play he “would repeat, not only against England but against any team in the world.”

Together, Maradona and Simeone have done wonders for the reputation of Argentina soccer this week. It was Chili (Not Chile) Davis who once observed, “If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin,’ ” but it is the Argentine soccer team that has taken the philosophy and run with it.

Young midfielder Ariel Ortega, often described as “The Next Maradona,” ran with it all the way out the tournament. His impersonation of an Air France commuter jet after clipping the shoe of Jaap Stam in the Holland penalty air earned him valuable frequent-flyer points--and a yellow card from Carter, who wasn’t buying this con job.

Dutch goalkeeper Edwin van der Sar gave Ortega his own verbal thumbs-down as well, prompting Ortega to rush Van Der Sar and--shades of “Dumb And Dumber”--head-butt the goalie right in front of Carter. Holland was back at even strength.

Two minutes later, Dennis Bergkamp scored to knock out Argentina and send Holland into a must-see semifinal with Brazil on Tuesday.

Maradona had no immediate comment on Ortega’s failure to pass the audition, only to say, disparagingly, that Argentina “didn’t respect our origins or our traditional style of play. . . . Today, we were disguised as Germans.”

So true. The Germans, done in by a 40th-minute red card against Croatia in Lyon, are out of the tournament too.