Punch Lines

Zippergate: “I don’t want to say that President Clinton is in big trouble, but today his buddy Vernon Jordan was sitting in front of the White House in a white Bronco with a fake beard and $10,000 in cash.” (Jay Leno)

Monicagate: Hillary is busy defending her husband. “You gotta admit, Clinton’s good. Not only did he convince his wife he didn’t have an affair, he got her on the road defending him. Frank Gifford’s going, ‘How did he do that?’ ” (Leno)

As the World Interns: “Instead of firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, maybe Clinton should have followed her advice.” (Andy Clare)

Enough About Clinton and Lewinsky, Already: In his first Cuban Mass, the pope attacked abortion and sexual promiscuity, then scolded the government for outlawing Catholic schools. “Finally, in a desperate attempt to grab back the headlines, he skied into a tree.” (Bill Maher)

Pope II: “The pope’s trip should help restore freedom of religious practice in Cuba. Someday all Cuban Catholics will be free to attend Mass twice a year--at Christmas and Easter--just as they do in America.” (Maher)

Good Medicine: A Beverly Hills doctor has been accused of charging more than $1 million to treat fictitious patients. “Or as NBC calls it, ‘ER.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Where’s the Beef? Devout Hindu Mukesh Rai is suing Taco Bell for accidentally serving him a beef burrito instead of a bean burrito, because eating beef violates his faith. “His lawsuit says he now suffers from sacred cow disease.” (Premiere Radio)

Back to Bill: Sources say Monica Lewinsky has a dress stained with “evidence” that she and Clinton had sex. “But don’t jump to conclusions. Knowing Bill, it’s probably just catsup and secret sauce.” (Mark Wheeler)

Bobbing for Bill: In his State of the Union address, Clinton revealed a new plan to cut government costs. “A lot of the work will be done by interns.” (Alan Ray)

State of Union II: Clinton also proposed new programs. “One expands Medicare to provide treatment for ‘Puritans’ obsessed with his sex life.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Rev. Bill: According to CNN, Clinton researched the Bible and concluded that oral sex isn’t adultery. “I believe it’s right next to the verse O.J. found that says stabbing isn’t murder.” (Voldseth)

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