Punch Lines

Smoking Gun: Internal memos show that R.J. Reynolds aimed tobacco products at kids. “Among the test-marketed flops: Cough-on-Me Elmo, Cigarette-Butt Barbie, G.I. Joe’s buddy G.I. Phlegm, the Cabbage Nicotine Patch Kid, Low-Tar Silly Putty, Filter-Tip Crayons and Bubble Yum Chewing Tobacco.� (Jenny Church)

I Also Told Myself to Quit Talking: “So few people are going to see ‘The Postman’ that, at the screening I attended, I had to kick the back of my own seat.� (Steve Voldseth)

Patience, Patients: President Clinton and two top Democrats are pushing a patient “bill of rights� to improve the quality of health care. “A key provision is the patient’s right to control what magazines there are to look at in the waiting room.� (Johnny Robish)

One Small Step for Man: Astronaut-turned-senator John Glenn, 76, is apparently going back into space. “Hmmm. A politician launched into space. Not a bad idea.� (Daily Scoop)

Clone Cop: “President Clinton says he’s 100% against cloning--unless they concentrate specifically on Sharon Stone.� (David Letterman)

Das Boat: “You can tell ‘Titanic’ is an accurate depiction of the disaster. Right after the collision, the first person on deck is a lawyer giving the iceberg his card.� (Camille Brewster)

Jerry-atrics: “Seinfeld� is history. “The Smithsonian is preparing exhibition space in anticipation of the arrival from Hollywood of a large crate containing . . . nothing.� (Jeff O’Neill)

Must Squeeze TV: David Schwimmer says the stars of TV’s “Friends� have a ritual they perform before taping every show. They huddle up and exchange kisses. “What’s really scary is they do the same thing at ’60 Minutes.’ � (Premiere Radio)

Football Rights: “As costs spiral upward for network sports deals, frantic NBC execs have just offered $5 billion for the Bud Bowl.� (Church)

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The Non-David Letterman Top 10:

Hotline’s top questions about John Glenn’s return to space . . .

10. Will AARP now offer 10% discounts on space shuttle flights?

9. Will Glenn leave the left turn signal on all the way to the moon?

5. Can the main rocket boosters be operated with a Clapper?

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.