The Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth

Questions and answers concerning Monica S. Lewinsky’s seven hours of sworn testimony to a federal grand jury on whether she had a sexual relationship with President Clinton:

Question: What was the first question Lewinsky was asked?

Answer: “How are you this morning?”

Q: What was the second question?

A: “Are you lying?”

Q: What did she say to that?

A: She changed her answer from “I have a cold” to “I feel fine.”

Q: Why did she do that?

A: Ken Starr immunized her.

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Q: How many people were there in the Washington courthouse when Lewinsky gave her testimony?

A: Several lawyers, 23 grand jurors and President Clinton in a phony beard and glasses.

Q: How long did Lewinsky testify?

A: Seven hours.

Q: How much of that time was spent detailing her sexual experiences with President Clinton?

A: Six hours, 59 minutes.

Q: Did she say where they had sex?

A: In the White House.

Q: Anyplace else?

A: Apparently in a green house, a blue house, a townhouse, a penthouse, a greenhouse and an International House of Pancakes.

Q: And where is Clinton sleeping now?

A: In his wife’s doghouse.

Q: Did Lewinsky express any disappointment with the president about their relationship?

A: Only that he charged her $1,000 to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Q: Was she asked why she once told Linda Tripp that “I have lied my entire life,” which Tripp has on tape?

A: She said that she was lying when she said that.

Q: Well, was Lewinsky asked if the president ever encouraged her to keep their affair a secret?

A: She said the president definitely did “encourage” her, but in a much different way.

Q: Did she say anything shocking?

A: Only that Starr threatened to get the truth out of her “if I have to use a stun belt.”

Q: No other surprises?

A: Just what Lewinsky wore to court.

Q: What did she wear?

A: A suit, a strand of pearls and an “I Had Sex at the White House and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” shirt from the gift shop.

Q: Did she seem nervous?

A: Yes, until Starr dimmed the lights, closed the blinds and put on some Johnny Mathis music.

Q: When will the president testify?

A: On Aug. 17.

Q: Why then? Why not Aug. 16?

A: Because he’s busy on Aug. 16. It’s Madonna’s 40th birthday.

Q: Do you see Watergate parallels in this case for Clinton?

A: Yes, I believe he and Lewinsky did it there too.

Q: Where will the president testify?

A: At the White House.

Q: Where in the White House?

A: Probably the hot tub.

Q: Will the public ever get to hear Clinton’s testimony?

A: Starr’s staff will leak it.

Q: How do you know?

A: They’ll be hiding under a rock right outside Clinton’s hot tub.

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Q: Did Lewinsky admit to returning any gifts that the president allegedly gave her?

A: I think so.

Q: What exactly were the gifts?

A: A gold brooch, a book of Walt Whitman’s poetry, an album of Slim Whitman’s music and a gift certificate worth $25 off purchases at any Wal-Mart throughout Arkansas and Tennessee.

Q: Did he offer to get her a job?

A: No, but he said she could run for Congress as soon as she’s old enough.

Q: What worries Lewinsky most?

A: That the president isn’t going to want to see her so often after this.

Q: What worries the president most?

A: That at some point Ken Starr is going to ask him to try on a glove to see if it fits.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or phone (213) 237-7366.