Conflicts of Couples Dressing to Thrill

Here’s another reason for taking a long look at a potential mate: For better or worse, you could end up looking just like your beloved. After years of being together, two people’s tastes tend to rub off on each other. Some even start to look alike, with similar hairstyles and matching modes of dress.

“If they’ve been together awhile, each begins to change to accommodate the image the other person has of them,” said Irvine psychologist Steven Hendlin. “One person might ask, ‘Do you like me in this?’ or ‘How do I look?’ That’s the beginning of the shaping.

“There’s a desire to be pleasing to the other, as long as one person isn’t dictating to the other how to dress.”

When counseling couples, Hendlin has observed both the subtle and blatant ways in which people try to make over their mates.

“They’ll say, ‘Oh, I like you in that shirt’ or offer some other compliment, without saying, ‘You must wear this kind of shirt,’ ” he said.

Some people defer matters of style to their dominant partner, passively allowing them to control their image.

“A lot of husbands pick all of their wives’ clothes,” said Linda Beale of At-Ease Men’s and At-Ease Women’s stores in Fashion Island Newport Beach. “Or the wife will return something because her husband didn’t like it.”

Women, too, will choose their husbands’ wardrobes. Beale’s husband, Ron, isn’t as fashion-forward as she would like. Her solution:

“I dress him,” she said. “When we travel, I pack up his suitcase, right down to his socks and shoes. Force is the word.”

Couples can run into trouble when one person tries to control the other’s image. Some people’s efforts to make their partners conform to their vision end in disagreements that often play out in the middle of clothing stores.

“I’ve had women cry because they can’t get their husbands to dress up,” Beale said.

Conflicts arise when one partner wants the other to dress in a style he or she finds uncomfortable.

“Some men want women to dress overly sexy because they like other men to look,” Hendlin said. “They get ego gratification from seeing their wife parade her body. Others might want their spouses to dress more conservatively to fit the corporate world.”

Some quarreling couples even alter their appearance as a way of getting back at the other person. Deborah Hendlin, a psychologist married to Steven Hendlin, has one client who cut off her mane of gorgeous hair because she was angry at her husband, who loved her long tresses.

“It was her way of saying, ‘I’ll show you. You’re not going to control me,’ “‘ Deborah Hendlin said.

Hendlin has had long hair ever since she met her husband and would not cut it without talking it over with him first.

“It’s out of respect and knowing it’s a part of my appearance he really likes,” she said.

Mary O’Hanian, owner of La Galleria women’s boutique in Tustin, often sees couple catering to each other’s wishes when it comes to picking out clothes.

“One woman came in with her husband and found a pantsuit she really liked,” O’Hanian said. “She looked darling in it, but he never said a word, so she didn’t buy it. The next day they came in and bought the pantsuit. It turned out he’d liked it all along, but he didn’t want to influence her. He wanted her to be her own person.”

Buying clothes as gifts is one way that partners influence each other’s style. Often, the purchases are based not on reality but an idealized image of the buyer’s beloved.

“Sometimes guys have illusions of the lady in their life,” O’Hanian said. “They may buy something more body-conscious than she’d like.”

Unless one finds the garment hideous or otherwise unsuitable, O’Hanian recommends wearing any gift of clothing from a mate. Such compromises promote harmony in a relationship.

“Most people want to please. They don’t want to be rejected,” she said. “One guy came into the store and bought his wife an outfit just as it was displayed on the mannequin, with all of the accessories. His wife came in later and said, ‘The pants are too small, the jacket’s too big, but I want it exactly like this.’ It wasn’t her 100%, but I thought it was wonderful that she wore it anyway.”

While staying true to her own image, O’Hanian will occasionally show her husband, John, a couple of outfits and ask him which one he likes better.

“I wouldn’t offer him a choice if I didn’t like him,” she said.