She Really Takes Alternate Routes

Rose Parade Princess Leslie Marrero has an unusual driving record. While making appearances as a princess, she has piloted a yacht and a blimp, the Muir High senior told the Southern California Sports Broadcasters Assn. Now for the unusual part. You won’t see her behind the wheel of a car. She doesn’t have a driver’s license yet.

NINO NO-NO: Linda and Thomas Brayton of Long Beach noticed that the 49ers Tavern on Pacific Coast Highway now fines patrons 50 cents for any mention of The Child (see photo). “We’re going to use the money to have an El Nino party,� said owner Kevin Russell, explaining that he’s tired of all the storm talk. He promptly deposited 50 cents more into the bar pool.

JAVA MADNESS: Howard Ehrenberg of Burbank spotted a self-dueling coffee sign in a fast-food eatery that appeared to have been written by someone drinking something much stronger (see photo).

ATTENTION--GETTY CENTER: Some Renaissance-era mayonnaise was found in a store by Steve Engle of Arcadia (see photo). And we all know how well mayonnaise lasts.

EAR POLLUTION: ABC News, in case you haven’t heard, has a new slogan: “For a change, why not let the news help you?� Yes, so now even the once-dignified networks are trying to woo viewers with sappy sayings like those babbled by local news shows. It’s probably only a matter of time before one of these old inanities is revived for a network ad:

* “Sometimes being the only one with all the serious news makes us feel lousy.� (KABC)

* “There’s more to life than news, weather and sports.� (KABC, tired of feeling lousy)

* “If you report the news, you have to go where the news is.� (KNBC, unafraid of feeling lousy)

* “Killer storms, yes; killer tomatoes, no.� (KCBS)

* “It’s not like watching news, it’s like watching family.� (KABC)

And then there were these two dueling slogans:

* “An hour earlier, a half-hour longer and a whole lot better.� (KTLA)

* “All the news in half the time.� (KCOP, switching to a 30-minute format)

I included the last two because they were devised by the same news director--Jeff Wald--during separate stays at each station. KCOP has since returned to a 60-minute news show. Hey, it’s a wacky business.

PECKING AWAY: I suppose you can guess what the long-established Typewriter City store in Long Beach advertises these days. Computers. Lots of computers at Typewriter City.

Which reminds me that my great aunt, Mary Montana Savery, was a typewriter in Chicago for a while. Yes, that’s correct. Around the turn of the century, secretaries who used the machines were themselves known as “typewriters.� The old meaning of the word has faded into history--much as the current meaning seems destined to disappear. Sometimes I feel lousy about that.

miscelLAny:

Sarai Presman came upon a business card left by a roofer who wrote that he has “biblical integrity.� Asks her mother, Julie: “Does this mean God warns him when it’s going to rain? Or did he learn how to make things watertight from reading about Noah?� Just don’t mention El You Know.