Punch Lines

Farewell, Goodbye: “Five members of the Los Angeles Lakers have been arrested,� says Jay Leno. “They were charged with impersonating the Clippers.�

*

Our Capital: “Hillary Rodham Clinton submitted her own brief to the Supreme Court to explain why she shouldn’t have to turn over notes to the special counsel,� says Argus Hamilton. “The argument is pure Hillary: because she said ‘no,’ that’s why.�

“The White House says it’s still deciding whether to defy a congressional committee looking into campaign fund-raising, or to just ignore them as usual.� (Paul Ryan)

The A&E; cable channel is doing a biography of Vice President Al Gore, says Premiere Morning Sickness. “They needed somebody a little more charismatic, so Gore will be played by Deep Blue.�

“Tax Freedom Day has come and gone,� says Gary Easley. “That’s the day we stop working to pay our taxes and start working for ourselves. Can anyone tell the difference?�

*

New York, New York: A Danish woman was arrested for leaving her baby sitting outside in a stroller while she dined in a New York restaurant. “The child was unharmed because leery kidnappers assumed that she was an undercover narc.� (Stan Kaplan)

*

Business Beat: “Diet Coke is changing its slogan from ‘Just for the Taste of It’ to ‘You Are What You Drink.’ What do they mean?� asks the Cutler Daily Scoop. “You are a hodgepodge of chemicals not normally found in nature?�

“How embarrassed that Continental pilot must be because that airport where he landed by mistake has been closed since 1958,� says Leno. “The good news is, they found tons and tons of lost luggage. That’s where it’s been going all these years.�

* “The old landing strip was abandoned and deserted,� says Paul Steinberg. “In fact, the only thing around were the bones of ancient Hare Krishnas.�

* “It was 4 1/2 miles from the airport. Actually, I wish more airlines did that. This way, when you park at one of those long-term lots, you can get out of your car and you’re right there.� (Leno)

“Proponents of recreational oxygen say it helps with headaches, fatigue and stress,� says the Daily Scoop. “In fact, they say, without breathing oxygen, you could possibly die.�

* “A pick-up line you don’t want to use in an oxygen bar: ‘Need a light?’ � (Scoop)

Reader Stephanie Heng of Calabasas was on a Scout camp-out with her 10-year-old daughter, Kristi, when one of the other leaders asked Kristi if she had ever traveled out of the country. Kristi said yes, and her mother told her no, she hadn’t.

“Yes I have,� said Kristi. “I’ve been to Texas.�