Punch Lines

The Sporting Life: The Dodgers are for sale. “Bob Dole said, ‘I sure hope whoever buys them doesn’t take them out of Brooklyn.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

*”Team members had an inkling something like this might happen when Peter O’ Malley recently made bids on two free agents and a real estate agent,” says Bob Mills.

*”Reporters at the press conference were your typical L.A. crowd: didn’t show up until the third sound bite, then started heading for the parking lot during the eighth.” (Jenny Church)

*”Michael Ovitz could afford to buy them if he could just manage to get fired from Disney two more times.” (Mills)

*”All reasonable offers will be considered for a period of six months or the ‘sell by’ date on the Dodger dogs, whichever comes first.” (Mills)

*”Maybe the Mets will buy them. They could use a a baseball team.” (Kaseberg)

Are the Dallas Cowboys still America’s team? “Sure, if you think Americans are violent, stoned and watching the playoffs on TV.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Fitness Report: In Living Fit magazine, Jane Fonda was quoted as saying that what matters most is what is inside a person. “And if there’s too much inside, there’s always liposuction,” says Gary Easley.

An NBC report says that two-thirds of women in a recent poll said they would rather be mean or stupid than fat. “The other third said they’d rather be fat than mean or stupid just as long as they were still skinnier than the other two-thirds of the women in the poll.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Business Notes: UPS will raise its rates to offset the rising cost of transportation. “Pack mules are expensive,” notes Alan Ray.

Mattel has announced it will recall the Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids doll. “Executives made the decision only after consulting with the Cabbage Patch Corporate Attorney and Cabbage Patch PR dolls,” says Sostrin.

*”Also in the interests of safety, Mattel has been forced to put on hold the plans for the Cabbage Patch Streetfighter Kids.” (Mike Reeder)

The International Auto Show was held in Detroit. “Chrysler unveiled a remote control Camaro that makes it easier for banks to repossess the cars,” says Brian J. Hill.

Michael Jordan cologne breaks records with $35 million in sales over the holidays. “Bachelors are said to love its seductive qualities,” says Mills. “At the beginning of a date, it smells like the inside of a locker room and at the end it smells like money.”

In the News: Lawrence County, Ind., is now charging $400 if they have to cut you out of your car after an accident. “How’s that gonna work?” asks Jimmy McConnell. “ ‘Quick, the Jaws of Life!’... Uh, just a minute, we’re waiting for this Visa authorization to come through.’ ”

Reader Norma Fried was baby-sitting 3-year-old granddaughter Chelsea, who does not like to go to bed. Fried offered her a special treat if she would go to sleep and Chelsea promised she would. After the treat, Chelsea resisted. “But you promised,” Fried told her. Chelsea answered:

“I changed my mind.”