Punch Lines

Pick your punch line: Cutler Daily Scoop, on media naming the crash of TWA Flight 800 as the top story of 1996: “Really, I thought the story of the year was . . .

* “Of course I love you, baby.�

* “He means nothing to me, honest.�

* “Me and Michael’s baby was conceived naturally.�

* “I never hit Nicole.�

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In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on winter storms continuing to pound the Northwest: “It took Seattle residents two days to realize that the white stuff coming out of the sky wasn’t meant for their cafe lattes.�

* Adds Bob Mills: “Oregonians were resorting to extreme measures to keep warm. Former Sen. Bob Packwood was renting out his hands for $15 an hour.�

Jerry Perisho, on weather people predicting a good chance of rain for this year’s Rose Parade: “This will be the wettest parade since the Pampers float malfunctioned back in ’89.�

Steve Voldseth, on reports of the Cabbage Patch Snack Time Doll chewing off young girls’ hair: “Lawsuits are being filed as we speak: The girls for damages and Supercuts for trademark infringement.�

* Adds Paul Ecker: “The doll’s favorite food is said to be angel hair pasta.�

Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton’s approval rating now at 60%, an all-time high: “In his latest job rating, 65% of women rated him great, 20% said he was good, and 15% wished he would cuddle more afterward.�

Cutler, on Chelsea Clinton being selected one of People magazine’s 25 Most Intriguing People of 1996: “Of course she’s intriguing. For example, how can she spend all that time in the White House and avoid having her own special prosecutor?�

Alan Ray, on the Virginia girl who came out of a coma after hearing Alabama’s song “Angels Among Us�: “This raises an important medical question for doctors. When they charge for this, do they have to pay a royalty?�

Hamilton, on reports that some Mexicans voted illegally in an Orange County race for Congress: “And the Spanish language ballots were a bit slanted too. Bob Dornan was listed as El Gringo Loco.�

Joshua Sostrin, on the five Denver children who demonstrated super strength last week by lifting a car off its owner who was trapped underneath: “Gee, and they say that kids don’t do jack these days.�

Mills, on the anemic box office debut of “Evening Star,� the Shirley MacLaine / Jack Nicholson film: “One particularly cruel reviewer dubbed it ‘Terms of Endearment’ with hardening of the arteries.�

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Santa Clarita reader Keith Goodrich participates with daughter Amiliah, 5, in a YMCA Indian Princesses program, and their tribal names are Big Oak and Little Acorn. One day, after watching a TV weather report, Amiliah came up with some new names:

“I can be Little Thunderstorm, Daddy, and you can be Breaking Wind.�