Punch Lines

Atlanta gold rush: What has seven heads, 14 arms and weighs 130 pounds? According to the Olympia Daily World, “The U.S. women’s gymnastics team.�

Shannon Miller won the gold on the balance beam. Says Argus Hamilton, “She suspended herself upside-down, did three flips and somehow rolled backward onto her feet. It looked like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of his car.�

As bombing investigators review a deluge of video and photo evidence, the Cutler Daily Scoop says, “The suspect may be the only person at the Olympics photographed more than Dominique Moceanu.�

Seen those commercials for the Olympic Gymnast Barbie doll? Says Buddy Baron, “Forget a broken ankle, she’d refuse to perform if she broke a nail.�

Track star Michael Johnson flashed to gold medal victory in snazzy golden running shoes. Says Jay Leno, “Apparently they were from Nike’s new ‘Air Liberace’ collection.�

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Johnson is so fast, his opponents couldn’t beat him even if Colin Powell ran with them.�

Another Olympic athlete was disqualified after being tested for illegal substances, says Olympia. “He tested positive for Pepsi.�

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In the news: The White House forced TV networks to devote three hours a week to top-notch, original children’s programming. Says Hamilton, “They said it would never happen. But thanks to Bill Clinton, Pee-wee Herman is working again.�

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “Upon hearing that he’ll get new competition, Barney the dinosaur is demanding $100,000 an episode.�

TV stars are getting so cocky, says Olympia, “I was watching ‘Wild Kingdom’ and the lions refused to come out unless they got a percentage of the show and residuals.�

Bob Dole praised “Independence Day� after seeing it in L.A. Says Hamilton, “He especially liked it when aliens destroyed New York and California. That’s a 100-electoral-vote swing his way.�

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “During the previews, Dole turned to his wife and asked, ‘Aren’t these talkies amazing?’ �

Microsoft and American Express are starting an online travel service. Asks Jenny Church, “When you buy a plane ticket, can you ask for a Windows seat?�

A truck full of Calvin Klein jeans was hijacked on a California highway and the company is offering $5,000 for information. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “The bandits have been described as armed and extremely trendy.�

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince has finally selected a new name, says Michael X. Ferraro. “It’s Joe Klein.�

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Reader Ellen Bradford of Redondo Beach was trying to explain to her 9-year-old grandson why she felt he was too young and skinny to be in a hot Jacuzzi. “Just think what happens to an egg when it sits in hot water.� He replied:

“Sure, it gets hard and tough.�