Now, for the Annual Golden Anteater Awards, the Envelopes Please . . .

Get the tux or sequined gown out of the garment bag and tell Roger Ebert to stock up on inane questions. It’s time for the annual Golden Anteater awards ceremony, where we present the most coveted of all honors for UC Irvine athletes and coaches.

The envelopes, please:

Critics’ Choice: Raimonds Miglinieks used to spend his winters shoveling snow as a private in the Red Army. This winter, he was shoveling passes as a floor general at Irvine. At least once a game he wowed ‘em with one of his how’d-he-do-that? passes and there were oooohs of appreciation in arenas from San Diego to Queens. Cross your fingers and pray this guy gets a chance in the NBA.

Best Cameo Performance: Co-winners, of course. Forward Kevin Simmons and guard Brian Keefe, both second-team all-conference sophomores who helped the men’s basketball team finish second in the Big West then decided there would be no sequel; they’re transferring. Accepting for Simmons and Keefe is the only real player left in the program, freshman Clay McKnight--if he hasn’t transferred, too.

Riding-High-in-March-Shot-Down-in-April Trophy: Coach Rod Baker was named Big West coach of the year in March and a month later was reduced to battling Southwest Missouri State for recruits.

Best Direction: For his incredibly succinct sideline suggestions--he likes to yell, “Where are we?” when his players are out of position--this ‘Eater goes to Marine Cano. The director of soccer/head women’s coach put together a group of freshmen and sophomores that supercharged the offense and took the Anteater women to their best record and highest ranking--14th in the nation at one point--in school history.

Worst Sequel: The women’s basketball team, which made its first appearance in the NCAA tournament in 1994-95, lost eight of its last 11 games last season, finished sixth in the Big West and lost in the first round of the conference tournament. It was the feel-bad flop of the winter.

Best Performance by a Male in a Leading Role: Miglinieks again. He was Irvine’s first Big West Conference player of the year since Kevin Magee in 1982. Miglinieks led the nation in assists and his team in three-pointers while averaging 38 minutes a game in conference play.

Best Performance in a Continuing Role: For the second consecutive year, goalie Tom Davis played every second of every water polo game for Irvine. He has spent so much time in the water, his body looks like Walter Matthau’s face.

Best Performance by a Female in a Supporting Role: Sophomore forward Leticia Oseguera was a shining light in the considerable shadow cast by senior center Allah-mi Basheer. Oseguera averaged 16 points and 10 rebounds and set an Irvine record with 289 rebounds.

Best Vocal Performance (Female): Who needs the envelope? Give this Golden ‘Eater to Alanis Morissette,

who performed in 1,500-seat Crawford Hall on the same January evening the Anteaters were hosting San Jose State in a men’s basketball game. A few weeks later, after she won six Grammys, Morissette--and whomever her former manager was--were wondering why the Irvine gig had been booked for the tiny gym when there were more than 3,000 empty seats next door in the Bren Center.

Best Non-Vocal Performance (Male): Did anyone outside of the basketball office or locker room ever hear former men’s basketball assistant Mike McIlwain say anything? Accepting for McIlwain, who is busy job hunting, is Marcel Marceau.

The Get Shorty Award: Five-foot, 4-inch sophomore Tracie Manz and 5-5 freshman Nicole Bucciarelli can’ dunk a basketball without standing on each others’ shoulders, but they certainly know how to slam a soccer ball into a net. The diminutive duo combined to score 19 of Irvine’s 36 goals last season.

Best Work in a Toothpaste Commercial: The Golden ‘Eater goes to Holiday Mollway, who only stops flashing those pearly whites for three to five minutes while she’s running the 800 and 1,500 meters.

Best Performance by a Female in a Leading Role: Middle blocker Popi Edwards, the school’s all-time leader in kills, digs and attack attempts, even led Irvine in service aces as a senior, but she couldn’t carry the whole team. So, after four years playing for a losing team, she’s competing for herself and has already run the fifth fastest 100 meters in school history.

Best Performance by a Male in a Supporting Role: Do all the envelopes have this guy’s name inside? About nine times every game, Miglinieks supported teammates by putting the ball in their hands with an easy layup in sight. Some nights, he had to be the leading man, but he always seemed to prefer being the efficient sidekick.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Forty years after he began exhorting young men to do one more sit-up or swim one more lap, water polo Coach Ted Newland, 68, is still watching the sun rise over a pool and following the skipping yellow ball. Next season will be his 31st at Irvine.

The Harry Caray Homer Award: It goes to basketball announcer Mark Roberts, who calls a nice game and obviously knows his predecessor was criticized for negative reporting. Still, there are people in France who don’t say “we” as much as this guy.

The Unheard-of-in-These-Parts Award: This honor goes to the women’s soccer team, which was 12th in the nation in . . . home attendance. The Anteaters drew 5,464 fans to 13 home games, an average of 420. Good thing they built that new parking structure near the field.

Best Costume Design: Opting for more sport-coat-and-slacks ensembles than suits this season, Baker will have another year engraved on this trophy, which he has been allowed to keep after winning it so many times in a row.