Laugh Lines : Punchlines

Hail to the Chief: President Clinton’s State of the Union address and Sen. Bob Dole’s reply the other night melted whatever was left of Washington’s snow drifts.

* “First, Clinton talked about TV violence and children, drugs and children, and crime and children. Then Dole talked about the budget and children, and how to tuck children in at night. I miss the Russians.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “It was a record for a hostile Congress, which gave the president an unheard of 44 yawning ovations.” (Bob Mills)

* “I thought he covered himself pretty well when Page 3 of his speech turned out to be a missing Whitewater document.” (Jimmy McConnell)

* “The president called for a rule barring anyone who commits a crime from living in public housing. Isn’t that how Sen. Alfonse D’Amato wants to evict the Clintons?” (Mills)

* “Dole said you reach a point where compromise ends. That point comes when you flip the calendar and it says Election Year.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Dole called Clinton ‘a defender of old elites.’ We should trust Bob on this--he knew them when they were young elites.” (Tony Peyser)

* “I don’t know exactly how old Dole is but he campaigned in Old Hampshire.” (Jay Leno)

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Also in the news: Photos from the Galileo space probe show Jupiter to be hotter than previously thought. Says Alan Ray, “NASA scientists say 300-degree temperatures won’t deter future explorations. That’s because it’s a dry heat.”

In Santa Fe Springs, a cemetery groundskeeper is charged with reselling plots. Asks Peyser, “Haven’t writers for ‘Murder, She Wrote’ been doing that for years?”

Cirque du O.J.: The Juice reportedly showed up 20 minutes late for a deposition session. Says Alex Kaseberg, “He apologized and said he was taking a nap in the shower with his golf clubs.”

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Virtual Vatican: Internet users are flocking to the Vatican’s new site on the World Wide Web. Unfortunately, says Alex Pearlstein, “Most of the visitors are just using it to confess after visiting Cindy Crawford’s Web site.”

* Adds Jenny Church, “To access it, type ‘kingdom.of.heaven’ and hit Enter. Now the faithful don’t have to kiss the pope’s ring, they can just double-click on it.”

In another step forward, the popemobile has just been outfitted with a satellite telephone. Gary Easley wonders, “When his aides inform John Paul II that he needs to call the Vatican, do they say ‘J.P., phone Rome, phone Rome’?”

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Reader Bob Bayer of Westchester says his 3-year-old daughter, McCayleigh, has been watching a videotape of a Barney Christmas special repeatedly since receiving it from Santa. Finally he told her, “Honey, you shouldn’t watch that tape anymore. Christmas is over.”

“No, Daddy,” she replied. “Christmas isn’t over. Christmas is coming.”