Feeding the Fever of a Super Bowl

So, either Indianapolis or Pittsburgh is going to Super Bowl XXX. Oh, the excitement. Makes you tingle from head to toe, doesn’t it? Makes you want to run over to Vegas and lay a couple C-notes on that AFC team right now, right?

Safe bet. The AFC shouldn’t be worse than a 21-point underdog this season; 28, tops. Go on, bet the ranch. Dallas or Green Bay probably won’t be ahead at halftime by more than 35, and the Colts and Steelers both are capable of second-half comebacks.

Prepare yourself.

If the Colts make it to the Super Bowl, here are some of the stories you will get to follow during Hype-the-Blowout Week:

1. Making it back to the Super Bowl, in the same year Baltimore gets a team to replace the Colts.

2. Jim Harbaugh, quarterback, all interviews with whom must accurately quote whichever Scripture he quotes.

3. Ted Marchibroda, wasn’t he coaching when the Colts were still in Baltimore?

4. Trev Alberts, why people call him Trev.

5. Marshall Faulk, should he stay on the bench?

6. “Super Bowl fever” hits Indianapolis. (TV reporters love to say the words “Super Bowl fever.” Never mania, never madness, never enthusiasm, never gusto, never joy. Fever.)

7. Johnny Unitas, still sore about the Colts leaving?

8. Those irascible Irsays.

9. Letterman’s Mom. (He’s from Indianapolis, remember.)

10. “Don’t count out these Colts. They could win this thing. This could finally be the year for the AFC. Throw those records out the window. If they get off to a good start . . .” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Or, if the Steelers make it to the Super Bowl, here are some of the stories you will get to follow:

1. This could be the start of another Pittsburgh dynasty!

2. “Steel Curtain” this, “Steel Curtain” that.

3. Rocky Bleier, he fought in the war, you know.

4. Bam Morris, why people call him Bam.

5. The heartbreak of the 1995 playoffs.

6. Rooney, he’s really old.

7. Why Pittsburgh wasn’t, isn’t and never will be a Penguin town.

8. Terry Bradshaw’s “If Pittsburgh wins, I’ll swim all three rivers naked!” guarantee.

9. Why Neil O’Donnell hates his initials.

10. Kevin Greene, demanding to be called Mean Kevin.

Personally, I can’t wait.

Yeah, now that we got that pesky Kansas City out of the way, we can begin looking forward to another really thrilling Super Bowl, with tons of fun for everyone, even if Kathie Lee does sing.

Emmitt Smith and the Cowboys, Brett Favre and the Packers, they must be shaking in their boots, at the thought of how they would handle the Colts or Steelers in a Super Bowl. I can hear Deion Sanders now, his knees knocking, not knowing what those golden-armed passers O’Donnell or Harbaugh might do to riddle the Dallas defense.

Yep, NBC has a sure winner here, all right.

Indianapolis or Pittsburgh. Boy, you thought San Diego had a strong chance. This year’s AFC representative should really be, uh, representative. All of our Armed Forces serving in Bosnia will stop whatever they’re doing when they hear that Indianapolis is in the Super Bowl. It’s like a second Christmas.

I have to admit, the Colts have earned everything they have gotten. They had to win in San Diego and they did. They had to win in Kansas City and they did. They froze their toes Sunday, but when the game was over, the Chiefs had only seven points on the scoreboard and everyone leaving Arrowhead Stadium felt like going somewhere and putting an arrow through their heads.

Pittsburgh, well, their backfield of Pegram, Bam, Thank You, Ma’am, really did a great job against Buffalo. Before this one was over, the Steelers had 40 points and most of the Bills were ill, injured, tired or as sick as the rest of America at the prospect of seeing themselves in another Super Bowl.

Gives me chills.

And while I seriously doubt Pittsburgh could have any better luck at beating the NFC, there is always the chance Greg Lloyd of the Steelers will get his hands on Troy Aikman or Favre and rip him apart like a turkey leg. I don’t know if you have seen Lloyd play, but he treats quarterbacks with all the courtesy and sportsmanship of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Then there is helpful Coach Bill Cowher, who likes to take photographs of the controversial plays and stuff them down the shirts of the officials when they run off the field at halftime. This should be very entertaining at the Super Bowl, although I hear the crew is buttoning all the way up.

Indy or Pittsburgh, I’m excited.

Should be a great game at the Super Bowl in Arizona, every bit as great as that Fiesta Bowl was.