Men Don’t Mean to Be Rude . . . They Just Like to Share a Lot

Male answering syndrome (MAS) is a recently identified disorder referring to the male tendency to provide an answer to (a) a question other than the one asked, (b) a question before it is asked, (c) a question before it is asked completely or (d) a question asked of someone else.

Underlying this affliction is the male need to share what he knows. The need to offer facts. The need to participate in communication one-upMANship.

As a result, behavior that is intended to show off a male superiority we might otherwise overlook is often misinterpreted as rude--which means that when your brother answers questions directed at you instead of allowing you to speak for yourself, he is not suggesting that you are too stupid to know the answer. He is more likely trying to prove that he is the smartest person in the room.

Says Michigan psychologist Robert Pasick: “He never wants to admit there is an area he knows nothing about because that would mean admitting weakness and vulnerability. It’s just kind of built into us that we’re not supposed to admit that we don’t know something.”

(Tip No. 42 in Pasick’s book, “What Every Man Needs to Know” [Harper San Francisco, 1994]: “Generally, asking good questions is more productive than trying to come up with all the right answers.”)

Pasick sees MAS as yet another way that men try to fix things. A question indicates a problem; an answer, the solution.

“A man measures his self-worth on how well and how effective he is as a fixer,” he explains. “There’s no area out of his expertise.”

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Jim Hasenhauer, professor of speech communications at Cal State Northridge, observes, “When a male hears a question, he hears a request for information, help or assistance.”

Even if nobody’s asking him the question?

“Especially if he’s not asked the question,” Hasenhauer says. “This gives him an opportunity to show what he knows. He’s using language to insert himself in a situation.”

It’s just another way men use language to compete and show their status in a group, an adult version of “mine’s bigger than yours.”

Hasenhauer says that in a man’s world, there are two kinds of questions: A question is either a test, where the asker knows the answer and is seeing if the other person can answer it, or it’s a direct request for information.

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Male game-playing is something women can walk around or avoid in most cases. But MAS becomes more of an issue in the workplace when a woman is deprived of the opportunity to show what she knows by a MAS-infected colleague who likes to hear his own voice.

Most women will not try to play verbal chicken by outshouting the man who insists on answering all questions. It should not, however, be beneath any woman to calmly note, “Thank you for your insight, but let’s get back to my answer.”

In personal situations, such as a party or other social gathering, Pasick suggests clarifying with your male companion your definition of what you find attractive in a man.

“Tell him you think he’s especially sexy when he’s listening, not talking,” Pasick advises.

Women can speak up with confidence, saying, “I’m perfectly capable of answering my own questions.” Consider, too, offering positive reinforcement--a hug or a special toy--when your male companion does let you answer a question.

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Pasick fears that men just do not value a woman’s voice.

“It’s a kind of general thing--a woman’s opinion isn’t considered that important.”

Be aware of this bias and address it. For example, don’t even try to answer questions about sports, even if you’re one of the three women on the planet who actually know more about sports than men.

Establish your authority in subjects related to traditionally female domains--children, cooking or the home. Then you can move on to nontraditional subjects where you have expertise that has been overlooked.

Eventually, you’ll be answering questions about politics--or even answering questions nobody asked you!

Before you know it, you’ll be telling people about the problems in corporate America without anyone even inquiring about them! Soon, you’ll be lecturing at cocktail parties on how CD-ROM works, or how to get rid of moles in your yard.

That is, if anyone still invites you to anything. Remember, nobody likes a know-it-all. Well, nobody except a guy. And that’s only because it presents an opportunity to show he knows even more.

* Sandra L. Beckwith publishes The Do(o)little Report, a lighthearted newsletter that explores the gender gap. To subscribe, call (800) 836-4467.