LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Alan Ray, on tonight’s national championship football game: “Throughout the season, Nebraska has been No. 1 in most Top 10s. AP, USA/CNN, FBI’s Most Wanted. . . .”

Argus Hamilton, on U.S. troops sent from Germany to Bosnia: “Russia is worried about the large number of U.S. forces there. It wants to know if this leaves Germany completely on the honor system.”

* Adds Ray: “The average U.S. soldier in Bosnia has never experienced the cold, the mud, the mire and the divisiveness of a people. He’s never been to a GOP presidential debate.”

Steve Tatham, on scientists testing footprints and hair left behind after a sighting of Big Foot: “All they know for sure so far is that Big Foot wears a size 27 Bruno Magli.”

Jay Leno, on Sen. Bob Dole saying he grew up listening to the Beatles: “Of course, he was yelling, ‘Turn that crap down!’ ”

Paul Ryan, on Sen. Phil Gramm wanting to put prisoners back to work: “Hey, how about getting jobs for the law-abiding citizens first?”

Leno, on computer wizard Bill Gates predicting that future street lights will be equipped with security cameras to prevent crime: “That certainly has worked well at 7-Eleven, hasn’t it?”

Bob Mills, on America West airlines laying off half its mechanics: “From now on, passengers will be allowed two carry-on items--as long as one is a tool box.”

Jerry Perisho, on two fertilizer giants, ICM Global and Vigoro, agreeing to merge: “Both stocks remain unchanged. But AirWick was up 17 points.”

Michael Rayner, on a recent study that found women transplant patients are more likely to reject livers from male donors: “The same study found that men have no problem accepting livers from women, they just don’t want to make a commitment.”

Mills, on the Marines’ Toys for Tots program collecting more than 7 million toys: “Even more impressive, they also collected the 36 million batteries needed to run them.”

Jimmy McConnell, on dinosaur feces selling for $632 at a recent auction: “Is this a good investment? It took 50 million years to get the price this high. How long will it take to double your money?”

Paul Ecker, on a judge giving the heirs of Larry Fine and Curly Joe DeRita the rights to the Three Stooges: “They were heard outside the courtroom yelling, ‘Moe money, Moe money!’ ”

Ray, on the probability of a royal divorce: “It’ll be a sad parting for Chuck and Di. Their servants have raised two fine children.”

*

Port Hueneme reader Gerry Tanksley was discussing the pros and cons of getting a dog with son Jim, warning him that vet bills can be very high. When Jim replied that the family had very little expense with their cat, 7-year-old Sarah piped up:

“Unless you want to count the time that you didn’t want Patches to get married.”