LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton hosting Capt. Scott O’Grady at the White House: “They spent a lot of time together and swapped war stories. O’Grady described how he avoided the Serb military, and Clinton described how he avoided the American military.�

* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Clinton later sought advice from the pilot on how to avoid being flushed into the open by Dole and Gingrich.�

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan upholding the police commission’s reprimand of Chief Willie L. Williams for accepting a free room at a Vegas casino: “Riordan also criticized Williams for repeatedly standing on 12 while playing blackjack.�

* Adds comedy writer Brad Halpern: “Williams says he will appeal Riordan’s ruling and take it to a higher authority--the pit boss at Caesars Palace.�

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Sunday’s Clinton/Gingrich meeting with senior citizens: “It was like a friendly talk show. I kept waiting for one of them to talk about Frank, Cody and Carnival Cruise Lines.�

Comic Argus Hamilton, on The Newt telling CNN that his approval ratings are so low because he has been leading a revolution: “So did George Washington. But he never took money from Rupert Murdoch.�

Leno, on the cruise ship Royal Majesty running aground off the coast of Nantucket: “Did you see that? Apparently, it hit Ted Kennedy’s car.�

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on NASA saying it has proof of the Big Bang theory on the creation of the universe: “Officials say evidence includes leftover helium, traces of carbon, cheap wine and another universe’s phone number.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on “Batman Forever,� which opens Friday: “The story line is pretty predictable: A group of greedy producers try to rip off the public with a cheesy sequel.�

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Sylvester Stallone and super-model Angie Everhart breaking off their engagement: “He’s now dating a model that he dated two models ago. He’s had more models than the Ford Thunderbird.�

Cutler Rock Comedy, on how O.J. spent the night of the first anniversary of his ex-wife’s murder: “His lawyers say that he was sleeping. No wait. He was . . . uh . . . hitting golf balls. No wait. He he was . . . uh . . . getting ready for a trip.�

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Together, we’re the . . . Among the rejected slogans for Los Angeles, according to Mills:

* L.A.: The chalk outline city.

* Follow the graffiti to paradise.

* L.A.: Where even your waiter is a star.

* L.A.: Stairway to the stars’ cells.

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L.A. reader Melodee E. Sutton’s sister Breana, 4, told their mother that she knew the sound a frog makes. “What is it?� Breana’s mom asked.

The girl replied: “Bud . . . weis . . . er.�

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.