LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton signing legislation Monday that gives millions to the District of Columbia, but puts it under strict federal financial control: “It’s so humiliating for Mayor Marion Barry. First he’s got a parole officer, and now he’s on an allowance.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Sen. Bob Dole taking 1,897 trips on corporate jets during the past two years: “CEO’s say there’s always room for him on their planes. They just stick him in their back pockets.�

Satirist Mark Russell, on O.C. Congressman/presidential candidate Bob Dornan: “If there was a Hall of Fame for loose cannons, he would be Lou Gehrig.�

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Al Gore’s tax return: “He earned $414,705 in 1994. Does that include the money he made moonlighting as a mannequin?�

Hamilton, on Clinton’s tax return: “He paid $10,000 in accounting fees to make all the numbers come out right. Congress may have to appoint a Special Calculator to catch him on this one.�

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on $28-million loser Mike Huffington saying he might run for governor in ‘98, but won’t use his own money this time: “ Now he’s thinking like a politician.�

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What was your first clue? Among the top signs that you may have been abducted by aliens, according to comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* You’re no longer interested in men with just one head.

* When your kids leave the door open, you shout, “What, were you raised on an asteroid?�

* You don’t get cable, but your left eye does.

* Every time you see a shuttle lift off, you whisper, “Primitive humans.�

* Your life is controlled by secret messages from the Supreme Master of the Universe, Wink Martindale.

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Cirque du O.J.: “When the grilling of criminalist Dennis Fung ends, he will then be served with fava beans and a nice Chianti.� (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Robert Shapiro is in more trouble today. Sen. Alfonse D’Amato is suing him for stealing his act.� (Michael Connor)

* “Ethnic humorist Shapiro described himself as a member of a minority group. Yeah, those who think O.J. is innocent.� (Cutler)

* “Dismissed juror Jeanette Harris says the jury is so racially divided they don’t even watch movies together. In fact, she said, the only thing they do as a group is make fun of Judge Ito.� (Dennis Miller/HBO)

* “Ito lost his temper Monday and told a defense lawyer, ‘Sit down!’ I guess he’s losing patience with the Dream Team’s scheck and jive.� (Tony Peyser)

* “Siskel and Ebert say ‘two thumbs down to this comical judicial farce.’ And they didn’t like the movie, ‘Jury Duty,’ either.� (Jerry Perisho)

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A friend of Rancho Palos Verdes reader Madge Dugger preferred casual attire over dressier garb. On one rare occasion, she slipped on a dress. When her young son saw her in it, he called out to his sisters:

“Look! Mom’s got legs!�

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.