Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell leaving the Democratic party and going Republican: “He served time in jail before being elected to public office. Most politicians do it the other way around.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on the Three Mile Island worker contaminated when water leaked during routine maintenance: “The guy’s been reassigned and will work for six months in maintenance as a night light.”

Hamilton, on the addition of Mexican drug lord Juan Garcia-Abrego to the FBI’s most-wanted list: “The suspect drinks heavily, snorts coke and dances nightly at discos. He’s wanted for being way too ‘70s.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on janitors protesting at an intersection: “Police said they left the corner of Westwood and Wilshire boulevards spotless.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the 24-hour equestrian channel: “Now, men can watch jockeys on TV instead of watching TV all the time in their Jockeys.”

Comedy writer Russ Myers, on the dollar’s decline: “A recent survey reveals two out of three Japanese consumers prefer it to Japanese toilet paper.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on baseball managers reducing their rosters to 25: “By new league rules, you can’t have more players than fans.”

Ray, on St. Paddy’s Day: “A funny- looking little man with a pot of gold can mean only one thing: Newt Gingrich signed another book deal.”

Jay Leno, on a study that shows men sweat more during workouts than women: “It takes a lot more effort to hold your stomach in for an hour.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on Gov. Pete taking the first step toward a presidential run: “He has written his own ‘contract with lobbyists.’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Detective Mark Fuhrman’s claims he never met real estate agent Bell. It just doesn’t ring true. No one in L.A. escapes being accosted by every realtor at least once.” (Bob Mills)

* “Defense attorney F. Lee Bailey claims he has a surprise witness to back up Kathleen Bell’s allegations about Fuhrman’s racism. He’s just having some trouble getting the witness to leave El Salvador.” (Mark Miller)

* “Prosecutors thought about pulling a ‘Rosa Lopez’ and taping Fuhrman’s testimony, but decided L.A. cops don’t have the best history when it comes to being videotaped.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “How hypocritical are L.A. values? Fuhrman is accused of saying the ‘N-word’ and may lose his badge. The movie ‘Pulp Fiction’ has it 600 times and may win best script.” (Hamilton)

* “Mark Fuhrman, you just finished your first day of testimony. What are you gonna do now? ‘I’m going to the Fatherland!’ “(Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Kato Kaelin’s book publisher told him to write about what he knows, but a stumped Kaelin asked, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but is duh capitalized?’ ” (Ray)

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La Crescenta reader Thomas Malone was discussing grandson Dane, 7, and his religious life with the boy’s parents. Finally, the three of them asked Dane what he wanted to be--Catholic or Lutheran. Dane thought a minute, then replied:

“I want to be a golfer.”