LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Barings bank losses increasing to $1.5 billion: “The bank’s blue chip holdings have been downgraded to cow chip.�

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on March being National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month: “Which, for Jerry Seinfeld, means ‘your place or mine.’ �

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on Budweiser introducing a new wheat beer: “Great, that’s just what guys need--an alcoholic source of fiber.�

Healey, on the 26 people who were hospitalized at Disneyworld after inhaling fumes: “A worker accidentally used too much of that special chemical Disney uses to make visitors feel like they’re not being overcharged.�

Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove, on why Republicans are furious with Sen. Mark Hatfield: “First, he voted against the balanced budget amendment. And, he never has been able to get the hang of the goose step.�

Comic Bill Maher, on Hillary Clinton sharing a cafeteria meal with Virginia school children to show solidarity with the school lunch program: “And to show solidarity with the kids, she made milk come out of her nose.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the trial of the former head of United Way for misappropriation of funds: “Some of the participating agencies he helped were a bit suspect. Such as Boys’ Club Med.�

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the 81st birthday of Camel cigarettes: “They filmed a reunion of the first Camel smokers. They’re all in the same row at Forest Lawn.�

Ryan, on The Newt’s lesbian half sister in Washington trying to convince him to do more for gay rights: “Tomorrow, she’s talking to Jesse Helms about joining the NAACP.�

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Australian racing yacht that sank off San Diego: “The skipper said he heard a loud crash. They had been rammed by a house from Ventura County.�

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the bizarre developments in the assassination of a Mexican political leader: “This is one conspiracy where everybody and his brother really are involved.�

Jay Leno, on HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros chasing two thieves who robbed a D.C. street vendor: “When the thieves realized a politician was chasing them, they turned around, yelled ‘Stop, thief!’ and started chasing him.�

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Cirque du O.J.: “Animals have an uncanny sixth sense. Kelsey Grammer will soon testify that even Eddie, the dog on ‘Frasier,’ was acting strangely on the night of the murders.� (Bob Mills)

* “Mr. Johnnie continues to insist that police failed to check out other suspects. For instance, where was Claus von Bulow that night?� (Mills)

* “Kato claims in his new book that he was briefly a suspect. Then police realized, ‘Hey, to kill them he would have had to get up off the couch.’ � (Leno.)

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Thousand Oaks reader Paulette Straine was driving to the airport with son Kameron, 6, when he found a stray candy cane fragment and started to eat it. Mom scolded him, saying “Don’t eat that! You don’t know where it’s been.�

Calmly, the boy replied: “Uh, yeah I do. It was on the floor.�