Ohio Teams Are Slinking Down the River

THE COLLEGES

It has been a miserable season for O-0-0-0-Ohio. Akron hasn’t done Zip this season. And neither have Ohio U. or either of the Cincinnatis--the NCAA Bearcats or the NFL Bungles. The four misfits have zero victories among them.

And the state’s biggest disappointment lies ahead--Ohio State’s annual drubbing by Michigan.

Akron and Ohio, incidentally, meet Nov. 19 for what could be the Bottom Ten’s national championship--a true must-lose game.

Meanwhile, the University of Kentucky (1-6) has its own problems, having been forced to change its sports logo after receiving numerous complaints that the wildcat’s rolled tongue resembles a penis. Officials said that future Wildcat paraphernalia will feature a modified tongue. We wish the same could be said of Buddy Ryan.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Ohio (0-7) 0-24, Kent Central Michigan 1. Akron (0-7) 25-48, Toledo Youngstown St. 1. Cincinnati (0-6-1) 3-26, Memphis E. Carolina 1. Cincinnati (0-7) 13-37, Cleveland Dallas 5. The Smus (1-7) 20-42, Texas Texas A&M; 6. UCLA (2-6) 24-34, Arizona Stanford 7. Iowa State (0-6-1) Tied Okla State, 31-31 Missouri 8. San Jose St. (1-6) 10-42, Nevada Las Vegas 9. Clemson (2-5) 0-17, Fla State W. Forrest Gump 10. Mich State (2-5) 14-19, Iowa Indiana

11. Houston (1-6); 12. Stanford (2-4-1)*; 13. Missouri (2-5); 14. Cal (3-4); 15.-18. Pentagon (Coast Guard, Army, Navy, Air Force) (12-15); 19. Select one: (a) New Mexico (2-6), (b) New Mexico State (2-6); (c) None; 20. The Pitts (1-7).

* But ranked second in nation in men’s swimming.

Rout of the Week: Navy (1-6) over reeling Notre Dame (4-3).

Note: The Bottom Ten selectors wish to apologize for their previous apology for putting Cal in the rankings. The Bears, 0-61 losers to USC, are back where they belong, at No. 14.

THE PROS

Sure, the Bungles are the worst team in the NFL. But are they the worst in North America? No doubt, tens of thousands of fans would put out big money to find out.

That’s right--we’re talking about a Bottom Ten world championship showdown between the most inept representatives of the National and Canadian football leagues. That would pit (and that’s the right word) the Bungles against disoriented Shreveport (2-15), which is located in Louisiana but is a member of the CFL. So are Sacramento and Las Vegas. You know the CFL’s theme song: “Don’t Know Much About Geography.”

Anyway, Bottom Ten officials have been talking with officials of Bottom Ten-Canada (aseparately owned Canadian operation), with an eye toward holding the big game in an appropriate setting, perhaps Nome, Alaska.

And who would be co-grand marshals of the event? How about two worthies who’ve done so much for sports--baseball negotiators Donald Fehr and Richard Ravitch?

The rankings:

BOTTOM TEN SIX-PACK

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Cincinnati (0-7) 13-37, Cleveland Dallas 1. Shreveport (2-15) def. Toronto, 29-27 Ottawa 3. Chicago (1-3)* 16-21, Detroit ** 4. Houston (1-6) 6-21, Philadelphia Raiders 5. Tampa Bay (2-5) 16-41, S.F. Minnesota 6. Denver (2-5) Def. S.D., 20-15 Cleveland

*With Erik Kramer starting (over Steve Walsh) at QB.

**Depends when Kramer starts next game.

FADING HURRICANES*

TD Passes/ Ex-Hurricane, Age ’94 Team Season 1. Jim Kelly, 34 (Buffalo) 22.4 2. Bernie Kosar, 30 (Miami) 13.2 3. V. Testaverde, 30 (Cleveland) 13 4. Craig Erickson, 25 (Tampa Bay) 9 5. Gino Torretta, 24 (Drafted by Minnesota and cut) 0

*Shocking evidence of how the NFL career of each Miami Hurricane quarterback has been a bit worse than that of his predecessor. Scientists have been unable to explain this phenomenon.

Rout of the Week: Dallas (6-1) over Cincinnati (0-7). We hate to go out on a limb, but the Bungles will be using their third-string quarterback.

Crummy Game of the Week: Houston (1-5) at Raiders (3-4).

How boring was the Monday Night game? During the dull Philadelphia-Houston affair, ABC flashed the sensational news that the week before, Eagle back Herschel Walker had had no rushing attempts for the first time in 129 games.