LAUGH LINES : Jokes
- Share via
In the news: Comedy writer Ken Shapiro, on a faulty heating system forcing the Clintons into temporary quarters at Blair House: “Big deal. They’ve been living in temporary quarters ever since they moved into the White House.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the faulty heating ducts: “Last winter the Clintons had to keep warm by burning all their old real estate records.”
Hamilton, on the semi-nude photo of Prince Charles published by Bild, a German tabloid: “Too bad Charles can’t run for U.S. President in 1996. Imagine Bill Clinton being the moral choice.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Bild snapshot: “In the same issue, there’s an even rarer photo--Robert Shapiro doing pro bono work.”
Peyser, on government officials trying to resolve a long-running controversy whether the Alabama sturgeon is endangered or extinct: “There is a third possibility. Maybe the fish is just incredibly shy.”
Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the U.N. conference on population control: “Delegates have agreed the world should rely on natural birth-control methods--such as war and starvation.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a congressional report that recommends a $4.5-billion Pentagon budget cut: “Military leaders aren’t too concerned. After all, what’s a couple of screwdrivers?”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a recent study that shows 67% of medical school applicants say they want to help people: “Twenty percent say they have a doctor in the family, and 13% say they only want to get better tee times on Wednesdays.”
Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the new Lincoln book, which says Abe launched his political career to escape a miserable home life with a nagging wife: “If that’s true, it’s scary when you think how close we could have come to having a President Tom Arnold.”
Comedy writer Terry Heath, on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year: “This marks the year 5755 on the Jewish calendar. But I know that I’ll keep writing 5754 on my checks for the next month.”
*
A psychology professor, lecturing on human sexuality, asked his students how often they had sex.
“Every day?” A few raised their hands.
“Once a week?” A few more raised their hands.
This went on until he finally asked: “Once a year?”
A student in the back of the class stood up waving his arms frantically, with a big grin on his face.
“Good Lord, man,” said the prof, “if it’s just once a year, why are you so excited?”
Replied the student: “Tonight’s the night.”
--Paul Strengell, Claremont
*
The Rev. Kenneth L. Hubler of Pasadena says his son attended a school that combined second- and third-grade classes. His son, a second-grader, came home one day and announced that he had learned how to spell by listening to the third-grade lesson:
“You just divide the word into cylinders and pick out the bowels.”
More to Read
Sign up for Essential California
The most important California stories and recommendations in your inbox every morning.
You may occasionally receive promotional content from the Los Angeles Times.