Also-Rans in the Name Game

Despite a plummeting stock market and jitters brought on by an overheated economy, 540 Americans stopped worrying long enough to submit more than 600 of their favorite and least favorite business names to the 1994 Great and Not-So-Great Small Business Name contest.

It took one exhausted columnist about 12 hours to open, sort, laugh and review the submissions. While most people sent in one or two names, some sent in two dozen or more. Others, in a blatant attempt to influence the judge’s decision, sent in autographed baseball cards, plastic wind-up toys, T-shirts, computer mouse pads, hand-made greeting cards, family photographs, videotapes, business cards and photocopied Yellow Pages from around the country.

Proud fathers nominated sons, mothers crowed about their daughters and several husbands cheerfully submitted their wives’ business names. Due to the overwhelming outpouring of nominations, the runners-up in several categories follow. The national grand prize winners will be featured in this space next week.

Some names, like “The Garden of Beadin� bead shop in Garberville, Calif., were clever. Irene McDonnell of Falls Church, Va., nominated a beauty shop called “Hairforce 1.� The name sticks in her mind because it’s near Andrews Air Force Base where Air Force One is stationed. A couple of Northwest coffee companies were nominated, including the “Higher Ground� in Eugene, Ore., and “The Bean Buzz� in nearby Springfield.

Isaac Broberg of Minneapolis came very close to submitting this year’s worst name with the “Cheek to Cheek� diaper service. “Useful Products� based in Los Gatos, Calif., would win the most boring name category, if there was one.

Virginia Leach of Piedmont, Calif., likes the “Uprisings Bakery� in Berkeley, especially since it’s “an apt double entendre if you know Berkeley’s reputation.�

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This year, the construction and home improvement category produced a wealth of contenders. Martha Miller nominated her husband, Gene, who’s known around Iowa as “Miller the Driller.� His Des Moines-based drilling contractor has been dubbed “Iowa’s Most Boring Contractor,� and “rest assured, we do the ‘hole’ job,� writes Mrs. Miller.

Ron Hutson, a Sierra Madre handyman, calls his business, “Ron’s Around Tuitt Fix-It Service.� Hutson admits he borrowed the name from a small wooden sign he spotted in a Solvang gift shop. The sign said: “We know your husband can make these for you, but will he ever get around tuit?�

North Hollywood-based “Totally Nuts & Bolts and Supply Co.� topped the list in the construction category. Eddie Joseph submitted the name with a reminder that his federal trademark registration is pending.

“Me and Him Carpet Cleaning� was submitted by its grammatically challenged owner, Trevor Ward. Laurie Touhey of West Paterson, N.J., cast her vote for “Sham Home Improvement,� based in Queens, N.Y. “The owner’s name is Ghan Sham, so apparently he thought it was appropriate,� writes Touhey. “I wonder if he realizes the implications his name is giving to his carpentry and Sheetrock business!�

Marsha Sweet likes her husband David’s name for his Story City, Iowa, construction company: “Home Sweet Home Construction.� And, any knucklehead could figure out that San Francisco-based “Floods, Floods, Floods Inc.� provides emergency pumping and drying out services to water-logged businesses.

John Smith, owner of “HappyVac Cleaning Service� in Orlando, Fla., sent in a color photograph of himself proudly standing next to his HappyVac van. He says his name is great because “it is positive and easy to remember.�

“Sewer Rat,� a sewer cleaning service in Arlington, Tex., was nominated by Gay Hawke of Centreville, Va., Treasurer Paul Machado nominated his family’s “Macho Concrete Construction Co.� in Upper Marlboro, Md. Machado says his mother, who serves as president, “had second thoughts� about the name, but most people like it.

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A Minneapolis health care consulting firm called “Third Opinion� was a front runner, as was “A Tale of Two Kitties,� a catalogue for cat lovers based in Studio City. “Oph Tha Waul Surfware,� in Orlando, Fla. is pronounced “off the wall,� according to owner Charlie Trefry.

“Once our customers figure it out, they can never forget it.�

Briefly . . .

Save the date: The 1995 White House Conference on Small Business is set to convene June 11 to 15 in Washington, D.C. But there’s plenty to do before the national meeting next summer. Fifty-nine state and regional conferences have been scheduled to identify the top small-business concerns and to elect delegates to the conference. A total of 1,825 elected and appointed delegates will be charged with drafting and prioritizing national small-business policy recommendations. Anyone who owns, works for or serves as an officer of a business with fewer than 500 employees can qualify to be a delegate. The work done by the delegates will be submitted to President Clinton and members of Congress. The first state conference is slated for June 2 in Wilmington, Del. For additional information, call the White House conference headquarters: (202) 724-0891.

Choosing a Name

Douglas Whaley, who works on “The Simpsons� television show, says he spends his days “satirizing the wonderful world of business.� Whaley, who previously worked in advertising and design, sent in these tips for business owners trying to select a good name for their venture:

* Keep the name to three or fewer syllables.

* Tape record your voice to hear how your business name will sound to others.

* Avoid overused name extensions such as Bar Stools 2000 or Hair Plugs R-Us.

* Make sure your business name is easy to spell.

* Choose a name that accurately reflects your business. Don’t call yourself Creative Croissants if your business isn’t innovative in any way.

* Visualize your name on a directory. Ask yourself if someone would be able to guess what business you’re in by your name alone.