But Wait, You Also Get ‘Sounds of Sumner!’

As the Paramount Communications takeover battle staggers down the home stretch, it’s business as usual on Barry Diller’s QVC Network--with faux diamond rings, treadmills and radar detectors selling alongside Beatles memorabilia personally blessed by Cynthia Lennon.

All that’s missing is Diller himself, whose Paramount gambit would probably benefit from a promotional push on his own airwaves. The technology revolution hasn’t spawned any merger infomercials so far. But imagine if it did--and the $10-billion Paramount prize came down to dueling TV pitches between Diller and his rival, Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone.

It could democratize the bidding process and create a whole new brand of infotainment. It would also be a natural byproduct of the Paramount deal, since Diller and Redstone both have access to their own networks. Redstone could theoretically simulcast his sales pitch on MTV, VH-1, Nickelodeon and Showtime. And the QVC format is ideally suited to Diller hawking Diller.

Like most celebrity guests, Diller could be introduced by one of QVC’s regular hosts:

“So, Barr . . . uh, Mr. Diller. Welcome to QVC. Let’s begin by telling our viewers a little bit about your career. Besides being my boss, you pioneered the movie of the week and the Fox network. You’re also the former head of both Paramount Pictures and Fox Inc.”

“That’s right, Biff. But that’s not what I’m here for today. Today I want to talk about the chance of a lifetime for Paramount shareholders--the chance to side with a winner.”

“Sounds good, sir. Tell us more.”

“Certainly, Biff. As you may know, QVC’s Paramount bid is backed by four of the leading companies in their fields--BellSouth, Comcast, Cox and Advance Publications. When you’re talking us, you’re talking quality and concrete value. But that’s not all. You’re also talking prizes. Along with an attractive package of cash and securities, anyone tendering their shares on this show will get one of these special, limited-edition Marty Davis dartboards.”

“Oh my, Mr. Diller. That’s a stunning likeness. The dartboard alone must retail for $25.”

“Easily. But you can’t buy it in stores, Biff. It’s only available to QVC shoppers, and then only to those tendering their shares to us today.”

“That’s a mighty generous deal, sir.”

“And there’s more, Biff. The first dozen or so people who call in each get to personally fire an existing Paramount board member--post-merger, of course.”

“I’m speechless, sir. And I’m sure our viewers are too. But their hands must be working, because I hear those phones ringing. . . .”

Paramount shares would surely climb as tension mounted over Redstone’s rebuttal, renewing interest in a deal that’s suffering from a real fatigue factor after five months.

Redstone would appear on MTV Jams with Bill Bellamy roughly an hour later as part of a campaign to enliven his image. In a history-making event simulcast over Nickelodeon, VH-1 and Showtime, a confused-looking Bellamy would introduce Redstone as the show came out of a commercial break for Clearasil.

“Yo, ya’ll,” he’d improvise. “We’ve got a special surprise guest in the house. You may not recognize the face, but this is The Man--the master of MTV, the viceroy of video. Give it up for Mr. Sumner Redstone!

“Yo, Sumner.”

“Yo, uh, Bill.”

“Welcome to MTV Jams. That’s a down ascot.”

“Actually, no, it’s silk. But thanks just the same.

“No sweat. I hear you got a message for the people.”

“That’s correct.”

“Then tell it, Sumner.”

“Well, Bill, I obviously feel that Viacom’s offer for Paramount Communications is financially superior and that our companies would make a better match. But I’ve gone one step further than that. Since multibillion-dollar mergers facilitated by stock transactions and impacted by the vagaries of the market are so complicated, my good friend H. Wayne Huizenga of Blockbuster Entertainment and I have prepared a special song that explains why we think shareholders should back our bid. I’d like to sing it for you now. Gimme a beat, H. Wayne!

“My name is Sumner, and it ain’t no jive;

“I’m here to sell ya on the best deal alive.

“It’s big, it’s bad, it’ll make you quake--

“I’m talkin’ ‘bout Paramount, and I want my stake.

“With Beavis and Butt-head and videos too,

“It’s a deal for me, it’s a catch for you.

“It’s a deal with muscle, it’s a plan with flare--

“It’s the only offer with Unplugged in there.

“So get your homie and his best friend Tom

“And pledge your shares to Viacom.”

As the curtain fell on Redstone, the phone lines between arbs and their sources would be burning up. Diller would get points for salesmanship. Redstone would win for originality.

The Paramount board might even call it a draw, advising shareholders to vote their consciences.

Soon all takeover battles would be waged on television--thus fulfilling the prophesies of those promoting the information superhighway. And Redstone might get a record deal.