Ah, the Pitter-Patter of Little Feats of Electronic Parenting

By LYNN SMITH

Jan. 2, 1994 12 AM PT

TIMES STAFF WRITER

You can almost see these parents--sitting alone at their desks, the kids finally down for a nap or out of the house. You can almost hear them too--frustrated, confused or eager for personal contact. But all that exists are their written words flying across the telephone lines:

“I’m ready for advice from anybody.”

“Please help me understand. . . .”

“HELP!”

In the old days, they might have been chatting with relatives or with neighbors over the back-yard fence. Now, they’re seeking on-line child-rearing advice from strangers nationwide through electronic bulletin boards for parents. The boards offer a fascinating glimpse into how parents of the ‘90s, often isolated and overworked, are using technology to connect with one another.

With a home computer and a modem, members of systems such as Prodigy, America Online and the Well can, for various fees, boot up, sign on and maneuver past hundreds of other choices to the parenting bulletin boards, where they send and receive both public and private messages.

Last month over the Prodigy System, 750 parents nationwide sent 3,500 public messages to one another, with about 3,000 other users just peeking in to scroll through such topics as “2-Year-Old Throws!” and “Teen Behavior.”

“It’s really very representative of the isolationism we’ve come to,” said Polly Johnson, a Nyack, N.Y., mother who with her husband, G.A., serves as “board leader,” a kind of electronic social director, initiating conversations and trouble-shooting on Prodigy.

Johnson, a social work student, speculated that one reason people turn to computers for child-rearing advice is that they feel unsafe outside their homes, stay inside more and have fewer community contacts. Besides, she added, “I don’t think they want to read another self-help book.”

Many express age-old concerns: what to do about colic, earaches or sleep problems.

Others bring up more current family topics: grandparents’ rights, the going rate for baby-sitters or where to get the hard-to-find Power Rangers toys.

One father named Phil recently sent a public message complaining that television was controlling his family life. “Please,” he wrote, “I’d like to hear from folks that are living without it so I can plead a stronger case to my wife and my kids. Then again, I’d like to hear from anyone that lives with it, but can keep it under control.”

A mother named Jennifer wrote back: “We have had the same problem as you and I hate to sound so harsh but NOTHING improved long term until we junked it. We are much happier.”

“Dallas Mom” wrote in seeking other mothers for a play group. “Would love to chat with anyone (well, almost anyone, it’s a long story) in the area.”

Some used the messages to debate the pros and cons of high-profile news stories, such as the Jessica DeBoer adoption mess. Others sent in descriptions of Polly Klaas, before the body of the 12-year-old Petaluma girl was found. The Prodigy System also runs photographs of missing children.

But parenting is the most dynamic topic, Johnson said. Without face-to-face contact, some people are more open than they might be in person, she said. One remarried woman wrote a bitter, six-screen letter about the lot of stepmothers, which read in part: “We are innocent people who fell in love with a man--not his baggage.”

The responses vary widely. Although some are dogmatic, “there are enough points of view that people can choose for themselves,” Johnson said.

The hottest recurring topic is spanking, she said. Whenever it comes up, someone usually writes in saying, “I don’t see anything wrong with hitting a kid and I challenge any of you to give me one good reason why.” Many people offer their religious views.

Someone named Jeff posted a message offering $500 to “anyone who can show me a single Bible verse--Old Testament or New--that specifically tells any adult to hit any child’s butt with their hand or paddle.”

One teen replied: “Dude, I am 17 and still get paddled by my stepdad. He feels guys understand physical punishment. . . . Anyway, at least I don’t get grounded.”

Sometimes children sign on and ask for advice with their parents. “One kid said, ‘My father always comes home in a bad mood and insults my mother. What can I do? If I jump in, he’ll get mad,’ ” Johnson said.

“A bunch of us came together and said maybe what you want to do is say, ‘Gee, I like the dinner Mom made. Thanks Mom.’ He said no, he’d be too afraid.’ ”

Electronic correspondents do not always fit the expected profile of upwardly mobile young computer users. “We get people saying we are scrimping and saving so I can stay home with the kids while he goes out to work. So there’s a range,” Johnson said. “This is their communication.”

“There’s one senior citizen who’s on,” Johnson said. “One of her children is divorced and there’s an issue about her ability to see the kids.”

Johnson said she’s asked for advice herself--particularly about her father, who is terminally ill. “A lot of people were giving me lovely suggestions about how to deal with my daughter, who is asking me about death, what does it mean. She’s also revisiting the terrible twos.”

Johnson said she took the advice of several writers who suggested that the grandfather and granddaughter make a photo book together so that she would have memories of him. She said her father also has a computer. “He spies on me on the board,” she said. “He’ll come back and say he was touched by this or that response.”

Parenting bulletin boards aren’t as popular as computer games, but enough parents use them for Johnson to consider dividing the board into advice for older and younger children and adding some experts authors, such as pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton, to answer queries. In any case, Johnson said what people get out of their computer chat is often more than mere advice. “There’s real warmth and reaching out,” she said. “These people become friends.”

One recent message from a teen-age mother began: “Hi, everyone. It’s me again. I just want to let everyone know that things are starting to look up again. I’m enrolled in computer training and a living skills program. . . .”

One reply came back: “I was a teen mom myself, on welfare a while and am now assuming a mortgage on a condo. It can be done! Hang in there!”