Which Side to Take in the Adoption Triangle? : AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER : ‘You Have to Make a Decision and Stick With It’

Ever since 2 1/2-year-old Jessica DeBoer was removed from the Michigan home of Jan and Roberta DeBoer and returned to Iowa, to her biological parents, Cara and Daniel Schmidt, an impassioned public has taken sides.

In the complex, highly publicized case, sentiment has favored the DeBoers over the Schmidts. Cara Schmidt, single when the baby was born, signed adoption consent forms naming another man as father. But within two months, she identified Dan Schmidt as the true father and he was awarded custody of the child by Iowa courts. The appeal process ended recently when the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear the case.

While only a small percentage of birth parents change their minds after giving up a child for adoption, there are hundreds of cases similar to Jessica’s in the United States. Experts say the controversy points up the inherent gamble involved in adoption, as well as the anger and pain when it falls apart. It also illuminates society’s split on what is best for the children.

Here, two women, one an adoptive mother and one a birth mother who gave up her child up 29 years ago, talk to Times Staff Writer Lynn Smith about their lives and what they think went wrong in the DeBoer/Schmidt adoption case.

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Leslie Dawson, 34, an adoptive mother from Los Angeles, successfully fought a lawsuit six years ago filed by her son’s birth mother in order to reclaim the infant. As vice president of a now-dormant group, Families for Adoption Reform and Children’s Rights , Dawson worked to pass legislation that last year created a 120-day limit to the adoption-consent period in California, and founded a support group for adoptive parents in crisis.

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I have very strong feelings about bonding. I really think all the people in the triangle of adoption are adults, to some degree. You have to make a decision and stick with it. Ultimately, it’s the best choice for the child. Giving a child continuity and commitment and the opportunity to be nurtured and flourish should be the most important consideration.

There are a lot of kids being treated like little pawns in a chess game. (People say,) ‘You can have her, no you can’t.’ It’s very sad. . . .

The problem that’s been publicized lately is the problem of the birth father. So many mothers are lying about the actuality of the birth father. In my opinion, the whole (Baby Jessica) case wouldn’t have existed if they had known the truth--that Dan Schmidt was the father and he was not going to consent to any adoption. Therefore, there would have been no placement.

In my case, the birth mother lied and said she did not know who the father was. She signed under law of perjury that the father was unknown and there was no one to name. In court, it turns out there were three specific people who could have been fathers. We had to find each one. If any of them wanted to come forward and try to prove paternity, he could have sought out parental rights. The same thing could have happened to us as to little Jessica. My baby could have been 2 or 3. Is that fair to the child? That this child is suffering because somebody lied? . . .

I get sick to my stomach how this kid must feel right now, to be taken off to strangers, never to see (the DeBoers) again, and have her name changed.

Before my son was adopted, we had two (prematurely born babies) who died. It was the most acute pain. I try to picture a 2 1/2-year-old coping with that pain. I sit down and cry. How anyone who says they love this child could inflict this kind of pain on them is absolutely beyond understanding. . . .

One of my main concerns is, are we going to continue to allow these lies and deceptions to determine the fate of another person’s life? What Cara Schmidt did was against the law. (Society can) put her in jail. Fine her. Make legislation that every man named as birth father have a paternity test before a child is placed in adoption.

It’s just not fair. You can’t be allowed to do that to other people. Not just Jessica. The DeBoers trusted Cara Schmidt. They trusted she was telling the truth about who the father was and that she did want them to have this baby and would be honest with them.

A lot of what adoption is has to do with trust. You can’t have a successful adoption ever if you’re all not being honest with each other. . . .

Some people are angry with Cara Schmidt. Others are angry at the DeBoers. I’m angry at our system that allowed this to go on for 2 1/2 years.

The problem is existing law. I did have a consent. (The birth mother) did petition the court for a custody hearing to remove the consent. It was a three-day trial that was extremely costly and trying emotionally. We did win. But sometimes you don’t. It depends on the judge. A lot of what judges do, within the law, is what they want to do.

You go before a judge and you don’t know what their personal opinions are. Our judge could easily have said, it was in the best interest to be with the biological mother. She was under stress. They could have gone with anything.

Then there’s the whole appeal period. This whole thing takes time and the baby is growing and developing. It’s a bad choice to let those things drag out when it’s about a child’s life. . . .

There are a lot of birth mothers out there who gave up their child 30 or 35 years ago when the system was not as open. They are bitter and angry and I think rather militant.

CUB (Concerned United Birthparents, a national birth-parents organization that provided Cara Schmidt with an attorney referral) is very negative toward adoption. They have labeled people trying to adopt as evil people, seeking adoption as a solution for infertility, that they have money and think money can buy them babies. That bothers me a lot.

It is a huge myth that all who want to adopt are wealthy. For many, it’s a one-shot deal. Our original adoption cost $12,000. At that time, it was our life savings. We went into great financial debt. We had to come up with $26,000 to defend ourselves. It set us back six years. We just recently paid it off.

I think it’s great for (birth mothers) to understand they do have other choices. But it needs to be done early on. Very early on. Like right away. When people do sign papers, they need to be committed to living with that decision.

Now, (our birth mother) does not have the privilege of contacting me directly. I was open if she wanted to call or have pictures. But after what happened, I didn’t feel I could trust the situation. She’s since married, had a child and gone on with her life. She apologized and said she did it out of confusion and loss as to what to do with the feelings she was having. We haven’t made her privy to our exact location and phone number. We don’t feel comfortable with that. . . .

I hope the DeBoer case has opened people’s eyes. I think federal legislation should be written to protect the children. No matter how much time goes by, children’s rights should always be first priority. No 2 1/2-year-old child should be ripped from any home and have her life basically destroyed.