The Tall and Short of World of Sports

This is my last timeout before Chris Webber goes first in today’s NBA draft, followed by some of the biggest creatures I’ve seen outside of a Spielberg movie:

--I guess the thing that scares me about Gheorghe Muresan of Romania is that 7-foot-6 Shawn Bradley is not the tallest guy available.

--It occurs to me that I have seen only two people larger than Gheorghe Muresan. One was played by Boris Karloff, the other by Fred Gwynne.

--Gheorghe Muresan is five inches taller than Kareem (Pee-Wee) Abdul-Jabbar.

--Shaquille O’Neal accidentally breaks backboards. Gheorghe Muresan accidentally breaks scoreboards.

--The hot rumor around is that in his stocking feet, Gheorghe is only 7-6 1/2.

--Bulls’ General Manager Jerry Krause doesn’t want to sign him. He wants to climb him.

--Shawn Bradley should wear 76 as his 76er uniform number. It’s his height, it’s the name of his team and it’s his inseam.

--I wonder if Muggsy Bogues’ insurance policy covers him for: “Accidentally Stepped On.”

--Muggsy’s going to feel as if he wandered into “Gulliver’s Travels.”

--If Orlando went for that kid from New Orleans with the 26th pick, he’d be the Magic’s Ervin Johnson.

--I hear Michael J. Fox’s new movie about Michael J. Jordan is called “Life With Nike.”

--It’s about this kid who bets big money on miniature golf.

--Never having seen Toni Kukoc in person until recently, many in Chicago were shocked to discover that she was a woman.

--I just bought a new pair of Air Paxsons.

--We’ve gone six days without a stupid Charles Barkley quote. The record is seven.

--Phoenix would have had a ticker-tape parade, except Phoenix doesn’t have a ticker.

--According to a Wall Street Journal classified ad, a 1.88% interest in the Raiders is for sale. By a weird coincidence, that’s what Marcus Allen had last season--a 1.88% interest in the Raiders.

--Marcus and Joe Montana are so old, they were at Arrowhead Stadium when they dug up the original arrowheads.

--Maybe Steve Beuerlein should have stuck around Dallas for the Troy Aikman Super Bowl postgame report.

--The bad news in Dallas is, Aikman, Nolan Ryan and Jose Canseco can’t throw a ball from here to there. The worse news is, neither can the Mavericks.

--Aikman’s back is so bad, he probably couldn’t beat Buffalo today by more than 20 points.

--Ryan got hurt water-skiing. Canseco got hurt pitching a baseball. Why do I feel I have these stories reversed?

--Carlton Fisk brings new meaning to the sentence: I hope he catches on somewhere.

--Do you ever stop to think that the Dodgers right now could be trying to catch St. Petersburg?

--I was going to ask Barry Bonds of the Giants for a minute of his time this week, but I was broke.

--Bonds reminds me of Willie Mays in every way, except at least Mays said hey once in a while.

--Having seen John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams, not only would I not want to meet the Phillies in a World Series, I wouldn’t want to meet them in a dark alley.

--Well, you can take Anthony Young off your Rotisserie team. He’s done.

--Anthony couldn’t buy a W if he played for Pat Sajak.

--The more I watch the Atlanta Braves and that pitching staff of theirs, the more I think it’s the best second-place team money can buy.

--The Padres are about to play in San Diego Mike Downey Stadium. Management is under orders to dump Jack Murphy for a cheaper sportswriter.

--Wimbledon begins to interest me now. My first rule of tennis is, no tournament gets interesting until it runs out of Maleeva sisters.

--I have this nightmare in which the year is 2020 and Martina has advanced to the quarterfinals.

--The Dodgers and Wimbledon have something in common. Buy Strawberries, get creamed.

--Oh, and nice tennis courts they have over there: I’ve seen better grass in the Pontiac Silverdome.

--I’m only picking on the English until they learn how to beat us in soccer.

--Andre Agassi was so right. Ever since I shaved my chest, I look better, I feel better and I type faster.

--Both the Lakers and Clippers feel terrible about today’s draft because they are bound to be stuck with somebody 7-5 or smaller.