His Contributions to Trojans Weren’t Always Appreciated

Humorist Art Buchwald, a USC alumnus, delivered the recent commencement address at the university. Some excerpts:

“Although I never participated in any USC athletics, I did make a vital contribution to the athletic program: I took the English tests for the football team.

“I thought I was doing a good job until the tackle complained to the coach that I got him a D in Shakespeare and was hurting his chances of getting into medical school.”

Trivia time: Tony Perez was fired as the Cincinnati Reds’ manager after 44 games. What is the baseball record for the quickest firing?

Bon appetit: Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle writes that sandwiches are named after Knicks at the Stage Deli in New York. Sample menu:

“Order the Riley and the chef will come out from the kitchen and try to psychologically motivate you to eat it.

“Order the Starks, they’ll just shove it in your face.”

FYI: The Florida Marlins have hit three grand slams, tying them with the Washington Senators and Seattle Pilots for the third-highest total by an expansion team. The Angels set the record with six in 1961.

Didn’t pan out: Now that Oiler owner Peter Pocklington has signed a 10-year lease to keep the NHL team in Edmonton, some people in Hamilton, Canada, are feeling jilted.

“We had more chance of attracting Peter Pan than Peter Pocklington,” Hamilton alderman Dave Wilson said when the deal was announced. “He played us for suckers.”

Irish blarney: Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz is at it again, already hyping an Oct. 30 opponent that had a 1-10 record last season.

“I don’t care what anyone says, Navy will be the surprise team in the country.”

K’s and X’s: San Francisco Giant pitcher John Burkett would like to roll strikes when he’s finished throwing them.

Burkett, who has participated in professional bowlers’ events in the off-season, has bowled three 300 games. He wants to pursue a professional bowling career when he retires from baseball.

Come again?Yannick Noah, the 1983 French Open tennis champion, says he has lost interest in the game because the top players are too boring.

“There’s nobody in the top five who’s inspiring enough to make the others seem human,” said the 33-year-old tennis player-turned-rock performer.

Update: Mike Marshall, a former Cy Young Award winner who played for the Dodgers among other teams, has a doctorate in exercise physiology and intends to teach at West Texas State University.

Trivia answer: Cy Young was fired as the Boston Red Sox manager after seven games in 1907.

Quotebook: Houston Oiler defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan, on the occasion of a street being named after Dallas Cowboy Coach Jimmy Johnson in Johnson’s hometown of Port Arthur, Tex.: “Jimmy, I looked at a lot of streets named after you--they were all called ‘One Way.’ ”