Keeping the Peace : A workshop will offer grandparents tips on resolving the inevitable conflicts that erupt during holiday family gatherings.
As the season for holiday family gatherings approaches, so does the potential for clashes with loved ones. One woman I know lamented: “My mother-in-law has this dinner every year. Everyone drinks too much. The little kids get tired and hungry. And when a relative steps in or makes a comment about discipline, somebody always gets offended.”
Seniors, often in the role of grandparents at these gatherings, can easily get caught in the cross-fire.
If this scenario sounds familiar, seniors can attend a free “Grandparenting in the ‘90s” workshop Nov. 13 to learn that successful relationships with grandchildren and adult children require more than luck.
The 90-minute session, sponsored by the Women’s HealthPlace of Westlake Medical Center in Westlake Village, will allow seniors to discuss their experiences as grandparents and glean tips on how to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
The same workshop was held in September, drawing 35 participants who wasted no words cutting to the heart of the problem. Their basic conclusion? Knowing when not to interfere, when not to speak out.
Still, this does not mean that grandparents must always hold back when dealing with family members, says Anne Hansen, an educational psychologist in Camarillo who specializes in parent education and acts as workshop facilitator.
“You have to learn to keep your opinions to yourself,” she said. “Or state them very simply and then let it go.”
This is especially true as it applies to the behavior of teen-agers. Seniors should adopt a low-key attitude about teen-age grandchildren, who are living in very different times, she said.
The workshop, however, focuses mostly on how grandparents can best relate to their adult children, Hansen said. A key point that is driven home, she said, is that unsolicited advice about the rearing of grandchildren can be dangerous. No matter how well-intentioned the advice or remark, such comments can be perceived as criticism. The result: a rift between the grandparent and adult child.
Holiday family gatherings are potential disasters, Hansen said, owing to expectations of the ideal Norman Rockwell-style family dinner. A key to success here is in grasping the makeup of the crowd.
“To avoid disagreements, realistically consider the ages and lifestyles of the people who will attend,” she advised. “You might want to forgo the fine china if there are many little children. Or feed them early at a separate table. And be sure to know when to include an older child with the adults.”
Linda Lang of Westlake Village is no stranger to this juggling act. The 52-year-old grandmother of 16 said she and her twin daughters, Leslie Campbell and Lindie Turley, agree on discipline issues.
“At family gatherings, if one of us sees a problem, we’ll step in,” Campbell said.
Careful not to step in, however, is Lang’s husband, the grandfather. He “doesn’t believe you can reason with a 3-year-old,” she said.
If a larger-than-usual problem should erupt with the grandchildren, Turley said, her husband may step in and establish discipline, but even in this case the grandfather still defers, even if he is the host. The result is that the grandchildren always are managed by their own parents.
Some consider this last point as key: the ability of a grandparent to accept the decisions of the adult child and his or her spouse. In doing so, says Hansen, the respect that grandparents show their children and grandchildren will only come back to them.
“Grandparents need to allow adult children to make their own mistakes in raising children and to learn from them,” Hansen said.
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Adults, age 50 and older, are invited to attend an old-fashioned barbecue Nov. 19 at Calamigos Ranch in Malibu. Participants should gather by 11:30 a.m. at the Goebel Senior Adult Center, 1385 E. Janss Road, Thousand Oaks, to caravan to the site. The cost is $15.85 per person for the barbecue and trip insurance. Register by today by calling (805) 497-1639.
ADVICE FOR GRANDPARENTS
* “Grandparenting in the ‘90s,” a free workshop that includes a complimentary box lunch, will be offered from noon to 1:30 p.m. Nov. 13 at the Women’s HealthPlace of Westlake Medical Center, 4415 S. Lakeview Canyon Road, Westlake Village. Seating is limited. For reservations, call (818) 706-6122.
* “Grandchild,” a magazine for grandparents, is a new supplement to the October issue of “Child” magazine. This premiere issue includes an article by Stephanie Wood on the importance of how you present advice to adult children.
