Career Plus Motherhood Equals Fatigue : Lifestyle: Psychologist and mother of two now believes that the “you can have it all” idea is just a myth.

The other morning, after a frantic search of my home, I finally found my beeper in my car. It was in my year-old son’s car seat, right next to his pacifier. Both are vital pieces of equipment for the two jobs that keep me on call 24 hours a day.

I returned to work as a psychologist 3 1/2 days a week when my second child, Matthew, was 4 months old. Seven months later, I’m still trying to figure out how to manage the intense demands of raising two children and meeting my professional responsibilities.

I’m slowly concluding that those of us who grew up believing the “Super Mom” myth have been sold a bill of goods.

I no longer believe that women, by combining motherhood and a career, can “have it all.” We just end up running ourselves ragged trying to do both.

Not that mothers who stay home get to kick back and relax. But at least they can focus their energies on one thing full time, and hopefully don’t worry about short-changing their kids. As for mothers who work full-time, I can’t imagine how they manage.

As a working mother, I face the seemingly irreconcilable pressures to simultaneously meet my children’s physical and emotional needs, contribute to my family financially, and maintain a sense of my own identity.

There are many times when it feels like it’s too much to juggle. But which ball can I allow to drop? What ends up happening is that my children come first, my work comes second, and I come trailing in last.

Sleep, exercise and socializing have all been drastically curtailed. Anything non-essential simply doesn’t get done. In fact, I started writing this commentary seven months ago and am finishing it now only because I face an immutable deadline.

Choosing to leave my children with someone else while I went to work was one of the most painfully difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. When I returned to work, my central concern was to find a way to make all the pieces fit, so I could do the best thing for my family. One of my fears was that Matthew would not do well in substitute care. I was worried that the bond we had developed would suffer, and that he and I would miss out on crucial early experiences together.

In fact, he is a secure, happy child, who is bonded to both me and his baby-sitter. She is loving, kind and competent, and it is a great relief to have someone I trust who can help me with the responsibility of caring for him.

I have to admit that it still seems counter-intuitive to me to pay another woman to come into my house to take care of my son, so that I can go off to work somewhere else. The situation becomes even more convoluted when you add to it the fact that my baby-sitter is now pregnant herself, and plans to leave her baby with yet another woman so that she can continue to care for my son.

Obviously, economics plays a central role here. By working, I can pay her enough money to make it worthwhile for both of us. But sometimes I have to laugh at an arrangement that would be unnecessary if we all could just afford to stay home with our own kids.

The one who seems to be suffering the most from this arrangement is me. What has been sacrificed is any time to myself, or to spend alone with my husband. And obviously, when I am tired and frazzled, those around me fare less well-- especially my 5-year-old daughter, who is still coming to grips with the concept of sharing her parents with a brother.

I’ve also had to make some hard choices professionally in order to preserve some time for my kids. I’ve turned down job offers and drastically curtailed my private practice.

I very rarely attend work functions or conferences, or do anything work-related beyond the minimum of going to work when I must and leaving as soon as I’m done. My male and childless female colleagues are advancing professionally much more rapidly than I am. Right now, all I can do is hold my ground, until some point in the future when there will be time to let my career blossom a bit.

But this is not just about money, or career advancement. In fact, a recent survey of working mothers found that 75% of them would continue to work outside the home even if they didn’t need the money.

And the fact is, I love my job. It is a very significant part of who I am. It is challenging and stimulating, and it gives me tremendous personal satisfaction. I have invested a huge amount of time and effort into earning a doctorate and developing my career, and I’m not prepared to put it all on ice.

Although this all feels very wearing at times, it is the best compromise that I’ve been able to carve out of my situation. Unlike many other mothers with children at home, I’m fortunate enough to work in a field that allows me to be employed part-time.

People ask me whether being a psychologist makes me a better mother. Quite the converse. My children have enriched my life immeasurably and taught me more about being a healthy human being than any other experience could possibly have done.

Women often blame themselves for not being good enough mothers, because they can’t deliver perfection to their children. We tell ourselves that we just need to try harder. But maybe we’re trying to accomplish the impossible. Maybe the problem is that our culture expects women to be endlessly giving and selfless.

The mental health profession long has recognized the danger of burnout in those who devote their lives to others, while ignoring their own needs. We are all responsible for our children’s welfare. As a society, if we are to nurture our children, we must also support and value those who care for them.