‘Tides’ Returns Mother and Son to Ways of Yesteryear

My mother and I went to see “The Prince of Tides� the other night, which I guess says more about the health of our relationship than anything else. Mom is no Lila Wingo, so she had nothing to fear. Even so, I’m sure she appreciated the fact that at no time during the movie did I burst into hysterical shrieks, as if having a horrible flashback from my own childhood.

We both loved the movie, but as we were driving home, Mom said, “I wonder why your generation is so hung up--maybe that’s not the right word--on analyzing your parents.� She went on to say that the thought of children examining their parents’ technique was foreign to her generation--that they just accepted their parents as they were and didn’t feel the need to link their upbringing with the way they turned out as adults.

I know what she means. We baby boomers have probably spent more time thinking about our lives than any other group in history. Wanting to leave no stone unturned, we inevitably got around to our parents and what they did or didn’t do to us.

So, it’s not hard to imagine lots of senior-citizen parents coming out of “The Prince of Tides� thinking, “Gee, am I responsible for the mess my children have made of their lives?�

“I don’t think baby boomers are blaming their parents,� said Anaheim psychologist Mary Ommanney, “but I think they have an excess need to know and understand and resolve and work through things. It’s not so much a case of ‘You dirty dog, you’ (toward their parents) as it is, ‘Why do I feel this way, where did the anger begin?’ But I think parents who are 60 years old can interpret that as, ‘Uh-oh, I’m being blamed and am the scapegoat.’ �

Ommanney said she works with a lot of baby boomers and, in many cases, with their parents too. The older generation had more easily identifiable heroes--such as in the movies--or unifying problems on which to focus, such as the Depression and World War II. The younger generation’s events, such as the Vietnam War, or more recently the Persian Gulf War, were more ambiguous.

In the absence of external heroes or unifying problems, the younger generation has shifted its attention inward, she said. And our more advanced society has freed up more time for such pursuits, she said.

Bob Jeffrey, a counselor at the California Graduate Institute Counseling Center in Orange, said psychology is also a relatively new discipline. While getting therapy was stigmatizing 30 or 40 years ago, he said, today it’s almost a status symbol.

“Your mother’s generation had a world war and a depression, so basic survival needs were being met first,� Jeffrey said. “In our generation, we’re looking at trying to better our lives because our basic needs are already satisfied.�

Jeffrey said he’s talked to friends and others about “Tides� and that many were strongly moved by its themes of family secrets and dysfunction.

“People coming out of the movie might wonder, ‘Was I a good enough parent to you? Am I like these people in the movie. . . ? Am I being blamed?’ A lot of people were turned off by Freud because it was interpreted that he was blaming the mother for dysfunctional children he was seeing or the adults he was seeing. Kids are not born with instructional books; parents are not given adequate instruction on child-rearing. So everybody does the best they can.�

Baby boomers who over-analyze or blame their parents for their own shortcomings are missing the boat, Ommanney and Jeffrey said. “If a parent has done as good a job as they possibly know how, then that’s all you can ask,� Jeffrey said. “If that isn’t good enough for you and you have some problems, then go into therapy, work through those issues so you get yourself OK. But it’s not a question of blame.�

Baby boomers were the first generation to get their models for home life from TV, Jeffrey noted. Family life depicted on “The Donna Reed Show,� “Father Knows Best� and “Leave It To Beaver� eventually confused baby boomers because they realized their own families didn’t act like that.

That reality gap has led children to criticize their parents, Jeffrey said, while the flip side has produced elder parents who might well say to their children, ‘How dare you judge me in retrospect when you weren’t living through those times’ � as an adult?

I don’t know whether “Tides� will lead to wholesale making-up between parents and children or wholesale warfare. Needless to say, family business is complicated.

But Jeffrey said I may have missed an opportunity with my mother about my upbringing.

“After seeing that movie,� he said, “I think the best gift you could give is to say, ‘Hey, Mom, I came out of it pretty good, and I appreciate you doing it.’ �