Batman, Barbarella Get Into the Act

PITTSBURGH â€”  Hi, fans. Tommy Hawk here. As official spokesperson for the Atlanta Braves, let me assure you that we can still win the pennant, although I am not sure how. In fact, that’s what all those sensitive people inside our stadium dressed up in comical Indian costumes have been going around asking. How?

What we need now is a hero. Our fearless empress of Atlanta, the slim but muscular Barbarella, has never left the side of our leader, TNT Turner, acting as his trusted bodyguard and squeeze. She even brought him back to life Monday at just the moment that both TNT and his baseball team had nodded off.

I know, I know, many people in Hollywood had always assumed that Jane Fonda was fond of the Dodgers, but don’t forget, she has been known before to turn up in enemy camps.

Here in Pittsburgh, meantime, we await tonight’s battle against the mysterious forces of Batman. We have seen him lurking there in the box seats in his Pirate cowl. Don’t think we don’t notice you, Michael Keaton. Wait until we bat against Doug Drabek in Game 6. Pow! Bam! Wham!

What a war it has become between these two.

Batman believes that his favorite bat men will vanquish us in the National League championship series this very night. He does not fear the sharp edges of our tomahawk chops. Batman fears nothing or no one, except perhaps Jack Nicholson and Ron Cey.

Barbarella believes that the Braves are merely unlucky to be behind in the series at this point, and that they would not be if that blasted umpire had seen Dave Justice’s foot touch third base.

Batman contends that no umpire alive could have seen that one centimeter of one spike of Justice’s shoe had grazed the top of the base, unless maybe that umpire had the eyesight of--it kills the Caped Crusader to admit this--Superman.

Barbarella remains confident that her side will be triumphant tonight because that poor pitcher Drabek is cramping up while running and that chubby catcher Spanky LaValliere is clearly overweight and that Manager Jim Leyland is a cigarette smoker and obviously very few of these Pirates are familiar with her excellent variety of fitness cassettes.

Batman is unfazed because this Atlanta boy wonder Steve Avery is bound to come apart at the seams like a cheap baseball before much longer, and tonight is as good a night as any. Besides, after two 1-0 games in one series, we’re about due for one of those 10-9 jobs where everybody in the stadium gets a hit, except probably Rafael Belliard.

Barbarella still isn’t sure why Bobby Cox, the manager of the Braves, neglected Sid Bream in the ninth inning of Monday’s 1-0 game when he needed a left-handed batter against Pittsburgh’s right-handed pitcher. Cox said he was saving Bream in case the game had gone into extra innings. Somebody had better remind the man unless something changes pretty soon, he will be able to save him for April.

Batman wonders what is wrong with Barry Bonds and when this very valuable player will come out of his three-for-20 slumber with some serious lumber. Many have forgotten two things, that Bonds has been force-fed a steady diet of superb left-handed pitching, and that Bonds’ superb outfield fielding--as well as that of Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke--is what makes this most valuable player more valuable than most.

Barbarella wishes to know who this Jay Bell individual is and why he has more hits (10) than David Justice and Terry Pendleton combined and how she can have him captured or destroyed.

Batman is trying to deduce whether Pittsburgh’s pitching staff draws lots to see who gets to pitch the ninth inning or if Leyland puts all their names into his cap and picks one, or what?

Barbarella maintains that there is no way her brave Braves will be forced to surrender here on the banks of the mighty Monongahela, and that she will give a double tomahawk chop to the chops of the next person who suggests that the Braves won’t continue having fun in the World Series so they can continue making fun of Indians.

Batman, however, still believes that the poor woman will be forced to watch the World Series on that big TV network her boyfriend once tried to buy, same bat time, same bat channel.