What Can I Live Without? Let Me Catalogue All the Items

My wife has a habit of buying me ingenious presents, usually electronic, that I have no need of and am not amused by, and which usually end up in a closet or down in the garage.

I think this misguided generosity comes from the fact that I have everything I need; but that merely stimulates her to try harder.

In recent years, for example, she has bought me a machine that I am supposed to place under my desk to pedal while I’m working; a stationary bicycle, and a television set that I’m supposed to watch while pedaling. I gave the bicycle to my older son, who gave it to his sister-in-law, who put it in her garage. My wife put the TV set in her workroom to watch while she’s ironing.

Usually she buys my gifts from mail-order catalogues, especially Hammacher Schlemmer’s, which seems to have a larger number of items I can do without than any other.

To protect myself, I hit upon the idea of having her give me the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue so I can mark the items I don’t want. Actually, there isn’t anything in the most recent catalogue I want, but there are some things I don’t want more than others.

Here are a few things I don’t want:

I don’t want the Classic Western Flyer Bicycle, or any other bicycle, especially not the Barkley Soft Ride Mountain Bicycle. I have owned my last bicycle.

I don’t want the Stick-free Ice Cream Scoop. They don’t work.

I don’t want the Waterproof Floating Radio. When I’m swimming I concentrate on swimming. I don’t want to hear Mozart or Vivaldi floating by.

I don’t want the Pedal-Powered Float, for pedaling yourself about in the pool. I don’t want anything you have to pedal.

I don’t want the Jog-Walk Pedometer. About the only walking I do any more is in malls, and I don’t need to know how fast I’m going.

I don’t want the Nose Hair Trimmer. I pull my nose hairs out with a tweezer. It hurts, but they don’t grow back.

I don’t need an Electronic Blood Pressure Monitor. My blood pressure is a lot better when I don’t know what it is.

I don’t want a Home Hand-Held Electronic Bug Detector. I have seen a lot of TV spy movies, but not that many. Who would bug me?

I don’t want a Voice-Changing Telephone. This phone changes your voice, so that you can sound like a child, a woman or a bear. Who do I need to fool?

I don’t want a Ventilated Soft-Side Pet Carrier. The picture shows some furry little white dog standing in the opening of the carrier. I know one thing. I am never going to travel on an airplane with my dog. For one thing, she’s a German shepherd, and I couldn’t stuff her into one of those bags.

I don’t want the No-Stoop Cordless Grass Shears. I have sheared my last grass.

I don’t want the Traditional Reel Lawnmower. Same reason.

I don’t want the Full-Body Feather Pillow. There’s such a thing as too much bliss.

I don’t want the Smallest Radar Detector. The only purpose of a radar detector, I believe, is for the detection of police radar. Why does a law-abiding person need such a device?

I don’t want the 500 Home Run Club Portrait. I respect those 11 living guys who have hit 500 home runs or more, but, honest, 11 baseball players standing in a line, leaning on their bats, is hardly art. I don’t want the Autographed Joe DiMaggio Print. Sorry, Joe. You’re tops in my book. A No. 1 jock and a class guy. Same reason as above.

I don’t want the Gender-Planning Conception Aid Watch. This item is not only supposed to help you select the optimal time for conception, but also to determine what sex your child will be. (Approved by Dr. Joyce Brothers.) Sorry, they got around to this little wonder too late for me.

I don’t want any 100-year light bulbs. I do not have any realistic expectation of living another 100 years.

I don’t want a Traditional Cricket Sweater. I bought a cricket sweater 20 years ago to play in a match between the British colony in Santa Monica and the press. I mishandled one play in the field and was jerked. I still have the sweater.

Oh, well, OK. I wouldn’t mind having the Seiko Talking Watch. It talks in English and Spanish. Maybe it could teach me how to speak Spanish.