Not Quite an All-American Bowl : Bowl Duds

Few teams have been as consistent in recent weeks as Florida. The Gumming Gators have dropped 5 of their last 6 games, topping off the season with a 35-point loss to Florida State. And now the Gummers have been promoted to America’s most misnamed bowl, the All-American Bowl.

The only team on a worse streak than Florida is the East All-Stars, who, despite consecutive losses in the Japan, Hula and Shrine games, have been invited back to play the West once again.

Suspense in Pasadena centers on whether Michigan’s master botcher, Bowl Schembechler, can extend his 4-11 postseason record of futility (including a 1-7 mark in the Rose Bowl). Of course, he’s going against USC’s Larry Smith, winless lifetime in the Rose Bowl (0-1).

Schembechler, incidentally, is quietly being tailed in the bowl-loss race by Brigham Youngs’s Lavelle Edwards, who has built a 4-9 record, which he’ll put on the line against Colorado in Anaheim’s Boredom Bowl.

The Forgettable Matchups

Dud Teams, Records 1. All-American Bowl Fla. (6-5) vs. Ill. (6-4-1) 2. All-Cotton Bowl Ark. (10-1) vs. UCLA (9-2) 3. Gator Bowl Ga. (8-3) vs. Mich. St. (6-4-1) 4. Boredom Bowl BYU (8-4) vs. Colorado (8-3) 5. Cherry Bowl Idle 6. Pit Bowl Iowa (6-3-3)* vs. N.C. St. (7-3-1) 7. Probation Bowl SMU (0-0) vs. Cincy (3-8)** 8. Liberty Bowl Ind. (7-3-1) vs. S. Caro. (8-3) 9. Hall of Tame Bowl Syracuse (9-2) vs. LSU (8-3) 10. Aloha Bowl Houst. (9-2) vs. Wash. St. (8-3)

Others receiving votes: Canine Bowl (Duke vs. King, Tenn.; Glasnost (Idaho-Moscow vs. Georgia), Tabloids Bowl (Penn vs. Madonna College, Mich.)

* Led nation in ties.

** One of few 3-8 teams ever put on probation for NCAA violations.

GATOR SNUB: East Lansing (Mich.) Police Chief Thomas Hendricks, asked if he’d replace the 1-year-old Rose Bowl decals on his department’s cars if Michigan State wins the Gator Bowl: “We’ll probably stay with the Rose Bowl decals. Besides, I’m not sure we could even get those things off the cars without ruining the finish.”

The Pros

You have to hand it to the New Jersey Jets. Or lateral it. Or fumble it. This is a team that knows how to lose in spectacular fashion.

On a game-ending kickoff return against Kansas City, the Jets threw the ball back and forth a record 11 times as they moved about the field with a Keystone Kops-type of intensity. The only thing missing was the Stanford band. When the cream pies stopped flying, the Jets had run it back a total of 1 yard to ensure a 34-38 loss.

The defeat, which clinched a Bottom Ten playoff spot for the Jets at a still-to-be-named site in the Bermuda Triangle, also featured the bizarre return of Kansas City’s Paul Palmer, who had previously been suspended for a game after joking that he might intentionally fumble to force the team to trade him. In his comeback, Palmer fumbled two kickoffs against the Jets.

Meanwhile, Green Bay fans, spotlighting the team’s kicking problems, showed up by the dozens in the team parking lot last week at a mock placekicker tryout sponsored by an ambulance company. First prize was two tickets to a Packers game. Second prize was four tickets.

The Playoff Picture*

Clinched Spots

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Alamo Bay (2-12) 21-24, Cleveland Washington 2. Green Bay (2-12) 14-30, Detroit Minnesota 3. N.J. Jets (6-7-1) 34-38, K.C. Indy

Fate in Own Hands

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. S.D. Bay (4-10) 10-27, Cincinnati Pitt Bay 2. Tampa Bay (4-10) d. Buffalo, 10-5 New England 3. Pitt Bay (4-10) d. Houston, 37-34 S.D. Bay

Need Help from Others

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Miami (Fla.) (5-9) 28-31, Indy Cleveland 2. Washington (7-7) d. Phila., 20-19 Alamo Bay 3. Irwindale (7-7) d. Denvel., 21-20 Buffalo

Maybe Next Year

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. L.A. Lambs (8-6) d. Chicago, 23-3 Atlantis

* Gimmicky chart of the type used by television networks to hype dull NFL division races.

QUOTEBOOK I: Denver receiver Mark Jackson on the No-Beer Bowl against the Rams (the concessionaire’s beer license had been suspended for the game): “It was awful quiet. . . . almost like being at home in a room.”

QUOTEBOOK II: Pitt Bay Coach Chuck Noll, on an unnecessary roughness penalty called on a Steeler who hit Houston’s Warren Moon out of bounds: “The NFL is calling anything, including bad breath, when it’s out of bounds.” (At least the refs don’t stand in the huddles.)