Poor Man’s Guide to Seoul Train

For the benefit of American reporters going to Seoul for the Summer Olympics, the United States Olympic Committee has thoughtfully assembled and distributed a guide to manners, customs and philosophy in Korea. I think the memo is worth sharing, even with fans who will be staying home, that they may absorb the flavor of the host country.

Some of the tips (italicized comments mine):

--Korean men greet other men by bowing slightly and shaking hands with either the right hand or both hands. Korean women rarely shake hands.

--Rather than admitting that they don’t know the answer to your question, Koreans sometimes give the answer they think you want to hear. They believe that it’s more important to preserve your good feelings than to give you accurate but unpleasant information.

Not unlike an American stockbroker or big league baseball manager.

--Extreme modesty . . . is a social tradition. Don’t be surprised if a man makes disparaging remarks about his wife and children.

Great. A million Henny Youngmans.

--Koreans eat lots of garlic but don’t like to hear disparaging remarks about their food or breath.

How about disparaging remarks about the breath of their wives and children?

--To get a waiter’s attention, say “Yo-Bo Se-Yo” (hello).

Two-fingered whistling, then, is best used as a last resort.

--When you use the chopsticks or spoon, never leave them sticking into the rice--that’s how offerings are made to ancestors.

Whereas our ancestor offerings are made by leaving doggie bags in the back seats of our cars.

--Look for taxi drivers wearing yellow shirts and jackets adorned with awards. They have been recognized for their safe driving records.

Sorry, this concept does not translate.

--Koreans don’t like to give or receive a flat no, so they might say yes just to avoid upsetting you. Phrase your questions so they don’t require a yes-or-no answer (“When can you provide it?” is a better question than, “Can you provide it by Wednesday?”)

I get it. Like, “When can you move your automobile off my foot?”

The USOC memo, which even suggests “Good conversation topics” and “Bad conversation topics,” should prove useful. However, shouldn’t the Koreans be provided a similar list of tips regarding American tourists and their customs and philosophies? If so, the list should include the following items:

--Attention, Seoul cab drivers: American fares will become uneasy and disoriented if you treat them politely and drive them directly and safely to their destination. Smoke a cigar, bore your riders with the story of your aborted career as an opera singer, and sharpen your driving techniques by studying the chase scene from the Steve McQueen movie, “Bullitt.”

--American drivers in city traffic will occasionally shoot their middle finger and scream a two-word phrase. Translation: “Excuse my poor driving, friend, and while you’re at it, please summon a police officer so that, for the safety of all, I may turn myself in and have my car impounded.”

--When offering to sell a ticket to an Olympic event, remember, Americans attach personal status to the amount of money they pay for a ticket. Don’t insult them by asking any less than 100 times face value.

--Because America is a land of divergent beliefs, each citizen is required to wear a T-shirt clearly spelling out his or her philosophy. It is best, however, not to ask what is meant by such T-shirt declarations as “Surf naked” or “Honk if you just ran over Spuds McKenzie.”

--Americans will come at you with a baffling assortment of handshakes. There’s the soul (not Seoul) shake, the insurance-salesman’s death-pump, the high-five, the low-five, the Texas bone crusher, the dairy-farmer’s handshake, and many others. Avoid injury by putting your hands behind your back and bowing.

--Americans are good sports and will try using chopsticks. Provide diners with industrial safety goggles, and have such handy first-aid supplies as plastic bandages, pliers and tourniquets.

--Americans tend to forget they are wearing Walkman-type stereo headphones, and this makes conversation difficult, as they say “Huh? Huh?” and talk real loud. Politely call attention to this social faux pas by taking out your Swiss Army Knife and severing the headphone cord.

--Good conversation topics. Things Americans are proud of: Billy Martin, Harley-Davidson motorcycles, coffee-flavored ice cream, ice cream-flavored coffee and drive-through funeral parlors.

--Bad conversation topics. The Pentagon, any government official, America’s track record in the Little League World Series and any visible cuts and scars from chopstick mishaps.