Living a Better Life From the Catalogue

Enlightenment is just around the corner. That’s where I picked up my new catalogue for the Learning Appendix, a nationwide educational program whose only requirements are VISA, MC or AMEX. This might be the year I graduate. I’m only three units short of being a Complete Person.

Here at Old Appendix U, our motto is: You don’t need a brain, you just need an appendix. Remember--it’s easy! It’s fun! It’s cheap! You’ll meet new people! You’ll meet cheap new people! And you don’t have to learn a darn thing!

This semester, I’m taking a full load, even though I’m not playing with a full deck. The hard part is choosing from all the great classes. I usually take three for my left brain, three for my right brain and one more for the road. Here are the descriptions of the classes I’m considering:

“How to Fake Being a Good Listener”--Amazing . . . Everything you do in business starts with how YOU LOOK. What kind of signals are YOU sending? We will teach YOU to LOOK like you’re interested in other people. Body language is everything. A finger on your eye can cost YOU a contract. A finger in the air can cost YOU an eye. Learn where to put your finger to get RESULTS.

“Find Perfect Love in 30 Minutes”--Take stock of yourself and then go public. Learn how to flirt, how to manipulate, how to screen for diseases, how to make people love you too much. Perhaps you’ve seen us on Johnny Carson or read about us in Newsweek. We can teach you to make yourself irresistibly attractive. Then we will teach you how to dump everybody who isn’t rich enough.

“Real Estate Investing in About-to-Be-Yupped-Up Neighborhoods”--Everyone has a hobby. Yours may be walking around marginal neighborhoods, thinking: How could I put up a few awnings and drive the blue-collar folks out? If so, WHY NOT MAKE MONEY RUINING THESE PEOPLE’S LIVES? It’s easy! Learn how to cut through red tape. Find out how to speed up foreclosures. You can become an instant millionaire in distressed properties. See a rat, smell a buck. Turn slums into sums.

“A Perfect Armpit in Time for Summer”--Learn the secrets of the stars as you exercise your way to perfect pits in just 10 minutes a day. We design a total armpit fitness plan based on your individual needs. Our physical fitness instructor and health specialist, Bunny Lumox, is waiting to take your order. You may have seen Bunny’s workout featured in The Economist. Don’t be afraid to play volleyball on the beach. Call today. Pits up!

“Staying With One Person Even Though You Hate His or Her Guts”--Sometimes life is sacrifice. Sometimes we have to give up our dreams because we’re too overweight to find anybody better. Learn to live with a horrible situation. Let’s face it, anyone can leave and try to do better. It takes courage to face the same poor choice day after day after day. Using alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs, you can learn to cope. As seen on Oprah Winfrey.

“Assertiveness Training for Your Doberman”--A socialized Dobie is like Barbara Walters on Valium. If your pooch is making nice-nice, leave him with us for just two days. We will clip his ears, his tail and your pocketbook. We will lock him in a room with the Rambo trilogy playing round the clock. After that, he’ll turn anything into Kibbles and Bits.

I don’t know. So many courses, so little time. I’m only three credits short of a BS and one taco short of a full plate. I could take something Mickey Mouse like “Making Sushi and Living With Ptomaine” or “Massage for Perverts” or “How to Start Your Own Direct-Mail Brain Surgery Business.” . . . But I’ve heard that if they catch you matriculating, you could get kicked out of school.