‘Melrose Place’: By hook or by crook

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You know that old Bart Simpson quote, ‘I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can’t prove anything’? Yeah.... It seems like everyone in the Melrose complex is either covering their tracks or framing others for their crimes. Since Jane seems to be hiding out after ratting Ella out to the cops last week, let’s look at the other characters.

Ella
Potential crimes: murder, espionage, false statements to the police
Happy birthday, Ella! I’d ask your age, but I’m guessing you’d lie to me about that just like you lied to the cops when they questioned you about Sydney’s murder. Were Ella’s only crimes hiring a P.I. to see what dirt her mother figure had on her and faking an alibi for David?
And could Ella really get from the club alley to the apartment to kill Syd before the investigator got there? Although she could have paid someone else to do it. I’m sure she’s not the first Los Angeles publicist to have a hit man in her Blackberry. But Ella seems to be getting the most screen time and I’m guessing they want her to be a free bird when Amanda Woodward comes calling in a few weeks, so I don’t think anything drastic is going to happen to her ... yet.

David
Potential crimes: burglary, larceny
Either his breaking-and-entering has gotten sloppy or David is desperate for cash. Why else would that jeweled necklace from Jonah’s real estate listing video end up in his drawer? And why is David so bent on a life of crime anyway? It was one thing when he was sticking it to the man and robbing from his friends and family, but at some point shouldn’t he just give up the charade and get a job or make amends with Daddy Dearest? Unless he has some cash flow problem we haven’t discovered yet. Drugs? Gambling? A love child of his own out in the 909?

Violet
Potential crime: theft, frame-up
Poor Violet has money troubles. Poor Violet wants to get into Auggie’s pants. Poor Violet is jealous of the pretty lady bartender who seems to share Auggie’s history of addiction. Whaddya know? Violet gets to help bartend and suddenly cash goes missing from the register ... only to end up in the bartender’s purse. Jeez Violet, let the body cool off a bit before you jump for a chance at her job. And please be gentle with your affections to our star chef. I’m starting to enjoy his morning trips back from the surf.

Lauren
Crime: Prostitution
Congrats on getting more to do this episode! Sure hope things work out with that new madam, Wendi (if she’s anything like the actress Kelly Carlson’s character on ‘Nip/Tuck,’ wow is Lauren in trouble). Lauren’s also the only one we actually saw commit an illegal offense this week, but I’m kind of willing to forgive it because she seems to be a hooker with a heart of gold. Why else would she be best friends with Riley?

Jonah
Potential crimes: Does gullibility count?
Dude, major demerits for being naive enough to believe David didn’t take that necklace. For an aspiring filmmaker, Jonah knows little about character back stories and plot development.

Auggie and Riley
Crime: Nothing ... expect maybe one of passion
These two were so squeaky-clean this week, I’d think they were Jonah and Riley. Except that I don’t think anyone forgot about that kiss the other night. And is world-worn Auggie really stupid enough to believe that Violet didn’t plant that cash in the bartender’s purse?
What do you think? Who’s going to end up doing time and what’s the likelihood they did these crimes?

-- Whitney Friedlander

(bottom) Ella’s birthdays are killer. Credit: Michael Desmond / The CW