Ask Alana: Screaming children on planes and vegetarian Thanksgivings
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This week: screaming babies on planes and polite vegetarians among people who just love the taste of bird. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, write to [email protected].
Alana,
What do you do if youâre sitting on a long plane ride next to a squalling child? On the one hand, thereâs only so much a parent can do. On the other hand, a transcontinental or trans-oceanic flight lasts a looooong time.
-- Elaine Chao, San Francisco
Elaine,
It is a sad truth that screaming babies on airplanes are as much a part of life as death, taxes and that weird matter that collects on the top of your ice cream if you leave it in the freezer for too long. Even more tragic: It is usually the case that the closer you are sitting to a screaming baby, the more likely you are to have forgotten your earplugs, headphones, iPod or heavy drugs that would help you sleep through the din of a million babies singing show tunes.
Of course the best thing to do is to remember your anti-screaming-baby implements, such as earplugs and headphones. But some babies pierce even those top-notch headphones advertised in your in-flight magazine. Parents â- if youâre bringing a baby on an airplane, be sure to remember bottles and pacifiers for the baby to suck on, as the sucking will reduce the pressure on the babyâs ears. Some people recommend it, but many are opposed to giving your baby Benadryl to knock him out.
If the babyâs screams are still driving you bonkers ...
... itâs best to quietly complain to the flight attendant rather than loudly to the parents, said Courtney Caldwell, editor-in-chief of Road & Travel Magazine. Telling a parent to shut his kid up âcan get ugly,â Caldwell said, even if youâre just asking the parent to take a walk with the child so you have a moment of peace. And on airplanes, everyone can hear you scream (unless theyâve drugged themselves well). Better to let a trained professional deal with the child.
It wouldnât be too rude for experienced parents who have tips for dealing with screaming babies to give some advice to the parents of little monsters, Caldwell said, but only if you have a really helpful suggestion. You could breach the topic by saying âMy child used to scream too, and I did X and Y.â That way you seem empathetic rather than just mean or pushy. However, this is not the time to bring up that your child used to scream on airplanes and you found out it was because he was gravely ill or had been bitten by a vampire and was doomed.
If you havenât had children, itâs best not to try to help the parents, as you probably have no idea what theyâre going through. Offering to hold the baby will make them think youâre weird and offering candy or toys will make you look like a predator. Just sit back, try to relax, and hey, maybe take some of that if Benadryl yourself.
-- Alana
Dear Alana,
I became a vegetarian three years ago. This holiday season, I have been invited to spend a holiday dinner with a friend and her family. While I would very much like to participate in the festivities, I am concerned that my dietary restrictions will be a problem. I donât want to inconvenience my hosts by requiring them to cook a special meal for me, but I also dread the thought of loading my plate with salad at the dinner table whilst having to answer why Iâm not partaking in the rest of the bounty (in my experience, people take offense when one does not eat what is offered). Can I accept the invitation without offending?
-- Jenny Carleton, Montclair, N.J.
Jenny,
So the thought of eating meat makes you want to jump into the burning fires of Mordor? Poor you. It must not be fun to be a vegetarian in a season where many holidays revolve around eating assorted birds. I hope your friendâs family isnât Maori, because their holiday meal includes burying meats in hot stones and then digging them up a little later to chow down.
You can accept the invitation without offending, as long as youâre not going to use the meal as a platform to talk about the evils of meat and how eating a turkey is as immoral as eating a baby. After all, the Indians probably came to the Pilgrimsâ dinner and saw the lobster that was allegedly served for the first Thanksgiving and thought âEeeww, donât they know itâs a bottom feeder?â But they still sat down at the table and ate together and probably didnât even make cracks about the buckles on the Pilgrimsâ hats.
However. There are two schools of thought as to how you should approach the meal. Advice columnist Amy Alcon says âitâs unpolite to have all these special dietary needs.â She recommends bringing a vegan salami in your purse and eating it when no oneâs looking so you wonât get hungry. But Collen Patrick-Goudreau, a vegan and the founder of Compassionate Cooks, says thatâs baloney. She recommends contacting the host and, after profusely thanking her for the invite, telling her that youâre vegetarian. You could then offer to bring a vegetarian main dish such as stuffed pumpkins, or ask the host to set aside a small bowl of stuffing and other side dishes so you can add your own non-meat ingredients. If you know the host well, you might even advise her as to how to prepare a vegetarian side dish. âI encourage people to live their own values and stop worrying what the truth will do,â she said.
I think both ideas are a little preposterous, to tell you the truth, Jenny. Putting salami in your purse is just plain gross, even if itâs vegan. And asking your host if she wouldnât mind cooking you a vegan turkey is kind of like asking your friend if you look fat in those jeans. What is she supposed to say?
I recommend reminding your friend that youâre a vegetarian, just so her family isnât surprised, and bringing a side dish that you can eat. Youâre supposed to contribute something as a guest anyway. Then you can fill up on side dishes, or at least put some other ones on your plate. I have found that if you move your food around your plate just so, people wonât even notice if youâre eating a lot of the same thing -- or nothing at all. Although if you really want to make sure youâll get enough to eat, you can take after the Maori and bury an extra dish in your friendâs backyard a few days before the big meal. Dig it up only in the case of emergency.
-- Alana