The Heidi Chronicles, Chapter 51: Waiting on Wisteria Lane, Part 2

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Last week, you read about our first day on the set of “Desperate Housewives,� cast as background actors, “Neighbor with Dog.� As happens frequently in the TV biz, some of the extras called that day didn’t get used – but were asked to come back the next day. We learned that, for a background actor, everything is always is subject to change.

This time, instead of getting lost on the way to Wisteria Lane, a van picked us up at the parking lot at Gate 3. I had learned from our van experience the day before that, when nervous, Heidi turns into a very large lap dog -- so this time I was careful to get into the vehicle before the dog to make sure she didn’t once again surprise some other actor with a free lap dance.

We were whisked straight to the costume and makeup-and-hair trailers. There, we met one of our new friends from the day before – Lauren Hicks, who had won out over the competition for the “Busty Waitress“ role and had brought along the requested assortment of fancy bras to complement her low-cut white top.

My more conservative outfit – and Heidi’s bandanna – met with approval, but I had to leave Heidi in the care of another actor while I went into the trailer for a hair makeover. I sat one chair away from series star Marcia Cross as hairdressers fluffed her long red locks, and super-glued mine into a chignon that could withstand El Niño.

Then it was back into the van – today not headed to Wisteria Lane, but to a different set, an upscale outdoor cafe. Apparently, “Neighbor with Dog� was about to become “Restaurant Guest with Dog.�

The background cast waited in a cavernous room to find out what they planned to do with us. As we waited, our well-endowed friend Lauren was surprised when she was instructed to shield her assets with a demure, buttoned-up peach blouse. Although anything can happen during a shoot, this costume change seemed to flout all known Hollywood protocol.

‘Hey -- at least they got you in the door,’ I said, attempting to reassure her.

By the time Heidi and I got summoned -- to sit at a table with another background player, peruse our menus, and then hand them to the “waiter� -- the normally outgoing Heidi was tired and grumpy. If she were a union player, she’d probably have a trainer, a handler and perhaps even a dressing room. But after three hours of van rides, waiting and meeting new people, her doggie brain was exhausted; it was all I could do to keep her from missing the cameras entirely by hiding under the table. But she perked up when a production staffer brought her a big china saucer of water.

Nothing is as it seems on a TV set. On the outside, chic leather-bound menus suggested arugula and goat cheese, but the menus on the inside were strictly 1950s diner, including the scary “jelly omelet;� my companion’s inner menu was even upside down. My table mate, Zach McCall, an military veteran who often portrays police officers and the like, ad-libbed inappropriate dialogue that no one would ever hear: “We’ve been reviewing your performance lately, and I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go...�

The episode, titled “Don’t Walk on the Grass,� is scheduled to air on Nov. 1 (as noted in the previous chapter, Heidi didn’t walk on the grass on Wisteria Lane, but did, er, leave her mark). We’ll have to wait to find out whether Heidi and I got our 15 seconds of fame, or ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor.

I’m proud of the dog either way -- but I hope they got her good side.

-- Diane Haithman

Top photo: Diane Haithman, Heidi and Zach McCall on the set; credit: Luke Johnson (who portrayed the restaurant maitre d’ )

Bottom: Heidi and friend Lauren Hicks; credit: Diane Haithman